Prison Journal: Day 8,104
October 17, 2009
I have a friendly relationship with my case manager here at Taft Camp. She’s in her early thirties and she treats all prisoners with courtesy that I appreciate. She sometimes asks questions about whether I’ll be able to adjust to society after all the years I’ve served. For example, she was puzzled when I told her that I reserve all of my telephone minutes to talk with my wife and not others in my family. Since her office is beside the room where I write, she sees me alone at a table writing every day. She was surprised when I told her that I don’t watch television, that I eat alone and that I’m sleeping before six each evening in order to resume my writing before two each morning. She suggests that all of the time I spend alone may render me incapable of normal social interactions when I’m released, not realizing that my alone time is part of my prison adjustment.
Every decision I make in prison has a purpose. I understand the many traps of living in confinement and since I know the perils, I take precautionary steps to avoid them. I owe that level of responsibility to the many people in society who support me. It is because of the decisions I make every day and the discipline I exercise, that I’ve been able to lead a fulfilling life despite the 22-plus years I’ve served in prison. I feel ready to adjust to society but I know challenges await me.
I’m surprised that my case manager doesn’t understand that, in order to triumph over the many obstacles that accompany long-term imprisonment, I make sacrifices. I sacrifice interactions with the prison environment in order to ensure that I will break the cycle of failure that prisons so expertly perpetuate. To explain my perspective, I wrote Earning Freedom, and this morning I edited chapters nine and ten of the manuscript. Tomorrow I expect to complete the final chapter edits and Carole ought to submit them to my agent next week. It’s very exciting to have seen this process through.
Today I ran 10 miles and followed the run with 300 pushups. My running tally is now 2,745 miles over the past 308 days.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,978
June 13, 2009
This morning I spoke with Ralph, a young man who is beginning a 10-year sentence at Taft Prison Camp. Understandably, Ralph is a bit lost as he advances through his first weeks of confinement. He worries that his girlfriend will leave him, he worries how his life will change, he worries about the challenges he will face upon release.
The truth is, I explained to Ralph, by pursuing a deliberate adjustment strategy, I know that he can emerge from prison stronger than he is feeling now. One key to a successful adjustment in prison is to understand that although time is passing, we as prisoners continue on this long journey of life. We do not have to waste our time, as we can use every day to empower ourselves through the pursuit of incremental goals. Those goals must have a relationship to our life’s purpose, and they must have a strategic value. In adding value to our lives, we can transcend imprisonment. I have.
I suggested that Ralph begin keeping a journal. He should document every day of his confinement. In his journal, I urged Ralph to describe more than his feelings of loneliness. Instead, he can critique the manner in which he spent his time. I think we can help ourselves by evaluating whether we spend our time in the most advantageous way possible. Successful prison adjustments do not materialize by accident, I am convinced. We must pursue them with a deliberate strategy, and we must not leave a single hour unaccounted for.
This morning I began working at 3:25. I wrote a lengthy outline for a friend who is about to embark upon a speaking career. At 7:00 I went to the nurse for an allergy pill, then to the track for exercise. I ran 10 miles and followed the run with 250 pushups. Then I interviewed Ralph. In the afternoon I read another several chapters of a book on writing. I am now ready for bed, as it’s 5:30 in the afternoon. This is my strategy for avoiding problems, and for a successful prison adjustment. It’s deliberate. Incidentally, my running tally is now 1,610 miles over the past 183 consecutive days.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,932
April 28, 2009
Michael and Carole Santos, April 2009
Many prisoners ask whether I’ll be faithful to my wife once my prison term ends. I don’t identify with the logic that leads them to ask me such questions. They assume that as a consequence of the decades I’ve served I would want to enjoy relationships with many women. When I respond that I will build and nurture a stronger, thriving relationship with Carole, they tell me that I’ll have to wait and see what the world is like when I get out. To me, such statements are ridiculous.
Living in and maturing through a long prison term has been like living on a planet separate from the Earth. I’ve been watching the world turn as I aged through my 20s, 30s, and 40s. During all of that time I’ve kept one vision in my head, which was how I wanted to emerge from this experience. Such a vision has led to the values by which I commit to living the rest of my life. The concept of fidelity is at the top of those values.
Falling in love is a simple act, but building a thriving marriage takes work and commitment. The other prisoners who tell me that I don’t know what it’s like in the world may be accurate in that I don’t know what they have experienced. But I do know that I love my wife and that I intend to measure every decision I make by the metric of whether it strengthens the thriving marriage I’m committed to building.
Carole and I have grown together through conditions that would challenge any relationship. Despite the hardship that comes as a part of imprisonment, we continuously grow closer as husband and wife, as partners, as friends. She inspires me to work harder, as I’m always striving to prove worthy of the love she gives. I pledge the rest of my life to her with love because she is the only woman with whom I want to share the good times that will accompany my release. It is not that I owe her my life because of what she has given to me through all these years. Rather, she is the central part of my life, the woman to whom I want to grow closer and with whom I want to experience the liberty that comes with my release. I choose to grow closer to Carole every day, to make deeper commitments to our marriage. When other prisoners insinuate that I will see the world differently upon my release, such suggestions seem as preposterous as statements that after all these years, I may make decisions that could return me to prison.
I do not have to experience freedom to know that I will live faithfully to Carole. I value my marriage and the relationship that I share with my wife. That certainty gives me clarity that I rely upon. All of my decisions begin with the end in mind, and in the end, I know that I will be with Carole, my wife and my love. That vision guides everything I say, everything I think, and everything I do. Those are the reasons I know that I will live as a faithful husband to Carole, and I will do so with enthusiasm.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,924
April 20, 2009
After spending the past two weeks writing feversihly to prepare chapters for books that will not reach bookstores shelves for years to come, I felt pleased to wake this morning at 3:05 with a free schedule. I resumed writing to expand my presence in the blogosphere. Connecting through blogs is an essential component of my prison adjustment, as I feel certain that the wider I build my network of support, the more opportunities I will have to voercome the struggles that await my release.
Early this morning I wrote several blogs to catch up with my prison journal, then I wrote an article describing my friend the prison author Joe “Black” Reddick. My next writing project was the first of a new weekly commitment I have made.
Readers who follow my work may also have a familiarity with the national forum at Prison Talk Online. According to my understanding, Prison Talk has 175,000 registered users. The founder of Prison Talk is a former prisoner and he has built this magnificent forum to help prison families communicate with and support each other. I am so pleased to have received an invitation to contribute content to the PrisonTalk family.
This morning I wrote an introductory article for PrisonTalk readers. Then I wrote a lengthy letter to the founder to explain my prison adjustment strategy and the steps I am taking to prepare for my successful release. I am hoping to collaborate with him on future projects.
I ran 10 miles in magnificent weather. This brought my tally to 1,139 miles over the past 129 days. The heat was too intense after I finished, so I skipped my strength training. Tomorrow I’ll bring some liquid to hydrate myself after my run.
In the afternoon I helped another prisoner with an assignement he has due for an English class, and I spent some time reading Professor Joan Petersilia’s book When Prisoners Come Home. She generously sent me a copy and I’ve enjoyed reading these chapters that make a compelling case for prison reform.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,923
April 19, 2009
I resumed work on the rewrite of the chapter for Professor Joan Petersilia at 2:20 this morning. By 7:30 I had completed the project. Had I been able to access a typewriter, I could have typed the document in a couple of hours at most. Prison has made me a fast typist, but the rules of Taft Camp prohibit using typewriters for personal work. Rewriting this chapter has taken about 10 hours, and I think I invested about 40 hours in total to create this first draft. I expect to invest another 40 hours to refine it before publication, though I’m grateful for the opportunity to make this contribution to prison reform.
In order to finish this chapter in five days, I adjusted my schedule. I’ve spent the majority of my writing time over the past two weeks writing projects that have a long lead times. The first project was the sample chapter for my next book proposal. The next project was this chapter draft for Professor Petersilia. As a consequence of this deliberate commitment to goals I set, I have had to sacrifice some of my blog writing energy. Tomorrow morning I intend to catch up by writing several blogs that I’ve been neglecting. It remains a goal of mine to keep readers informed about how I thrive through imprisonment. I hope they see that a key component of my prison adjustment has been setting goals and using them to guide me through each day. All of the goals work in harmony to advance the purpose of my life, which is to contribute to society and to prepare for a successful return.
Following my completion of the rewrite, I went outside to run 10 miles. That boosts my tally to 1129 miles over the past 128 consecutive days. I’m grateful that my body feels strong, without aches, despite the running without a break. I believe the exercise makes me stronger, healthier, wiser, and more disciplined. I intend to exercise every day of 2009, and to run without a day off for as long as I can.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,922
April 18, 2009
At 2:22 this morning I resumed work on the chapter for Professor Petersilia. I wrote the first words for this chapter last Wednesday morning at 2:15, and today, at 7:15, I finished a first draft. Professor Petersilia asked me to write 7,000 words. Since I’ve written the chapter in longhand I don’t have an exact word count, though with 28 pages of about 250 words per page, I expect that I am within the range.
The reason writing this project has been so important to me is because I consider it a great privilege to publish alongside some of America’s leading penologists and academics. These types of projects expand my sphere of influence. Our country confines more than 2.3 million people, and I know that few Americans really understand the culture of confinement. The more I’m able to contribute to the literature, the more chances I have of debunking the myth that prisons only produce failure. I hope to influence prison reforms that will help more people emerge successfully, and I feel honored that Professor Petersilia opened this opportunity for me to contribute.
The title of the book Professor Petersilia is authoring is The Oxford Handbook of Sentencing and Corrections. Oxford is a distinguished academic press. I expect that many policy makers will rely upon Professor Petersilia’s book as a resource to guide their decisions, and I am glad they will have an opportunity to read about my prison adjustment. I hope to inspire those readers to promote prison reform.
Since I wrote the first draft of the chapter in longhand, I had to rewrite it neatly. I worked all day on the rewrite, though I only made it through page 12, which was not even halfway. Writing 7,000 words neatly on unlined paper takes time, though it was time well invested as it gave me an opportunity to make some initial edits. I intend to finish the rewrite tomorrow morning.
This morning I ran 10 miles and followed the run with 300 pushups. I weigh 174 pounds, which was the same weight I had when my prison term began in 1987. I feel blessed to have such good health, and I am convinced that regular exercise has contributed. Today marked my 127th day of continuous running without a beak, though I’ve been exercising steadily for 22 years. I now have 1,119 miles in my running tally.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,921
April 17, 2009
This morning I resumed work on the chapter for Professor Joan Petersilia’s book at 1:55. It was my third day of writing for the chapter and I’ve made good progress. If my writing is as productive tomorrow, I ought to finish a first draft of the chapter.
The chapter provides a condensed view of the experiences I’ve had and the motivations that drove me through all the years I’ve served in prison. I’ve enjoyed writing this chapter as it forced me to remember my early years and how the prison adjustment changed after my first decade. I tremendously honored that Professor Petersilia invited me to contribute a chapter and I want the work to exceed her expectations.
I spoke with Carole last night on the phone and she told me that Professor Petersilia had sent her a message to make sure I understood the chapter was not due until March of 2010. I knew that I had a long lead time, but I also knew that as a prisoner, my life could change at any time. Part of my goal-oriented prison adjustment requires me to focus on completing goals as quickly as possible. That way I can move on to the next.
I describe the ways that goals have influenced my prison adjustment through this chapter I’m writing for Professor Petersilia. My hopes include the possibility that this chapter will provide evidence on the need for prison reform that will encourage more prisoners to embrace goals as an integral part of their prison adjustments.
As a consequence of the commitment I make to goals and completing them on time, I feel as if I always have something to strive toward. Each goal becomes a step on a ladder I have been building since 1987. This ladder has lifted me far from the depths of my imprisonment and I intend to continue climbing until I am home. Once release does come, I feel confident that the goals I have set will help me emerge with the strength I need to make a successful transition.
Today is my wife’s birthday. Carole turned 45, which is the same age as me. We were fortunate in that her birthday fell on a scheduled visiting day, so we were able to share it together. I feel that my release date is coming closer, and I stand hopeful that some change will surprise us, enabling us to begin our life together as a married couple. Living as a prison couple has been a blessing, but I am ready to return home, and home is with Carole.
Before my visit I ran three miles. That short run boosted my tally to 1,109 miles over the past 126 days.
Friday, 17 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,914
April 10, 2009
This morning I woke at 2:15 in order to make more progress on the sample chapter. Carole was scheduled to visit me early, soon after the visiting room opened. I had a lot of work to complete, and since this book proposed is important to me, I began writing about 30 minutes earlier than usual.
Making continuous progress toward goals I set is an essential component of my prison adjustment. Today I had a much better writing session than yesterday. The sample chapter is beginning to take shape. My hopes are to have it ready to distribute to a few mentors by the end of May.
I put my writing gear away just before six so that I could begin my exercise when the housing unit opened. I ran three miles, boosting my tally to 1,046 miles over the past 119 consecutive days. The ache that had been bothering my left leg and hip has gone, and I feel better about brining my weekly mileage back up to around 60.
Following my run I shopped in the commisary. By the time I put all of my belongings away, showered, and dressed, the visiting room officer paged me. Carole was among the first visitors here. The efforts she makes to please me really ease my time in prison.
We had a magnificent visit. As usual, I ate much more than I should have. The vending machine food is one of the rituals I’ve come to enjoy when I visit with Carole. The time we spend together is my break from prison.
Friday, 10 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,909
April 5, 2009
Today I achieved a goal I set last December. Never having run more than 36 days in a row, I set the goal of running for 100 straight days. As I advanced closer to that goal, I lifted it to run every day until I reached 1,000 miles. Today marked my 114th consecutive day of running, and my tally now stands at 1,003 miles without a day off.
Setting goals for me is a part of my prison adjustment. I have been using this strategy since my term began. As a prisoner, the system rips away control from my life. This loss of control represents the consequence of my convictions in a criminal court. Complaining about the loss of freedom doesn’t help me cope, but thriving in spite of the control does.
In setting a goal, like running 1,000 miles without a day off, I must find a will within me. I cannot use wind, rain, or temperatures as an excuse. If my body aches, I muster the strength to run through the pain. For me, once I set a goal, the pain would become greater if I were to allow some type of outside force to interfere with my success.
All of the goals I set work together in pursuit of a greater purpose. When I began my term, education and fitness drove me because I believed that if I could earn academic credentials and keep physically fit, I would create opportunities that would help me transcend long-term imprisonment. I could create a kind of freedom in my mind and spirit even if prison boundaries confined me.
At this later stage of my imprisonment, fitness remains an important aspect of my prison adjustment. I’m also eager to reach more people through my writing, to advance the call for prison reform, to prepare for a successful adjustment upon release, and to contribute to the lives of others. My most important goal, and the one that all of the other goals work to further, is to prove worthy of the love Carole gives me.
I intend to continue exercising regularly. With this writing, I commit to exercising every day of 2009, without a single day of rest. Although I expect to run every day, if I feel an ache, I may choose to exercise by riding the stationary bike or another exercise machine. I still commit to surpassing my 2008 record of running 2,600 miles on the year.
Before my run this morning, I wrote three blog articles. After my run, I strength trained with 300 pushups. Then I interviewed Will, a white collar offender with an interesting story to share. I will begin writing Will’s story this week. I also finished a 1,000 word article that will become a part of American Corrections textbook.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,891
March 18, 2009
While talking with my wife over the telephone today, I learned that the editors of change.org published an introductory article I wrote. I feel grateful for this opportunity to build upon my network of support. These efforts to reach out and connect with society, I am convinced, will help me overcome the challenges I expect to encounter upon release.
Although I have never been released from prison before, I’ve thought a lot about the obstacles I will face. When my prison term expires I will have completed more than 26 years as a prisoner. Clearly, the world has changed since 1987 when I first was locked inside prison boundaries. Besides the advancement in society, I will also have to cope with the stigma of my conviction. the more I write, and the larger audience I can build, the more I enhance my chances for succeeding upon release. That has been the motivation throughout my prison adjustment.
My fellow prisoners don’t always agree with this proactive approach. The experience of serving time extinguishes hope for many and it decimates a man’s sense of efficacy. Rather than preparing, they express indifference, clinging to excuses that nothing matters. I feel a deep sense of responsibility to my wife, my family, and to our society that will not allow me to drop out and wait for life to happen. I must continue striving to expand my reach and influence, whatever the personal costs or consequences.
Besides learning of the publication at change.org, my wife conveyed a message that I may be able to contribute to the readers of prisontalk.com. That web site, as I understand it, provides a forum for those looking for information about prison. As a long-term prisoner, I feel as if I have a duty to share what I’ve learned and to work diligently to promote prison reform. I welcome these writing opportunities and will continue working hard to open more.
The internet offers an excellent platform to reach people with a specific interest in the criminal justice system, but I also must strive to reach Americans who don’t know how this system operates. That’s one of the reasons I focus on academia. By writing for university students, I augment what they learn from theoretical textbooks with observations I’ve made while living in prison. I’d like to open relationships with more universities, and I intend to work toward that end.
Since I cannot access computers or typewriters, I must write my thoughts in longhand. Without Carole and others who support our work, I would not be able to make these contributions to society. I feel privileged that Josh, Bean, Anita, Tallie, Nichole, Nick, Nancy, and others who give so much of their time and talents to assist Carole and me with our work. These projects bring the feeling of meaning to my life. They make me feel as if I am living as a part of society, making a real contribution. Such efforts assuage the pains of confinement, and I’m grateful.
This morning I began writing at 3:06. By the end of the day I had completed nine blog articles. I ran 10 miles, and followed the run with 300 pushups. This session boosted my tally to 873 miles over the past 96 days. I fel a real pain both of my legs, though. Tomorrow I’ll take ibuprofin before my run, as I’m determined to cross the 1,000 mile barrier without a day of rest.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
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