Prison Journal: Day 8,051
August 25, 2009
This morning, I began writing at 1:47 am. I’m writing about the days leading up to my marriage with Carole. My mother and my younger sister, Christina, flew to New Jersey to participate in our wedding inside the Fort Dix visiting room. That wedding was one of the best days of my imprisonment. Many people advised me not to marry. They said I had been in prison too long and that I didn’t know anything about love or the difficulties of marriage. Marrying Carole, though, was one of the best decisions in my life, as she’s brought more happiness and fulfillment to my life than I expected to know as a prisoner. I wrote through page 411 of the Earning Freedom manuscript, chapter nine. I ought to finish chapter nine tomorrow.
After the creative writing, I worked the remainder of the day editing. My mentor, Peggy, and my wife provided some outstanding suggestions to improve the presentation. I’m grateful for their expert touch.
This morning I ran 10 miles at the fastest pace in many years. I think the cooler temperature and my new running shoes combined to give me a finishing time more than 10 minutes ahead of my normal pace. I finished the run in 1 hour, 16 minutes, 13 seconds.
Prison Journal: Day 8,040
August 14, 2009
I’m happy to have received a message from my wife, Carole, that my mom reads my daily blog. The Bureau of Prisons likes to promote itself as being family friendly, but the policies it enforces seem designed to isolate prisoners from families and communities. I’ve lived with those policies since 1987, and as a consequence of them, I don’t enjoy the close family relationships with my mother, my sisters, or their families that other citizens take for granted.
Those separations prompt me to write about this long journey. Many years ago I read the famous epic by Homer titled The Odyssey. The story describes Odysseus’ struggles in fighting his way home over a 20-year period. Although I’m not battling one-eyed monsters and other creatures, I wrestle with feelings of isolation, and conquer the loneliness by writing about the experience. But, I know that I’m communicating with a wide audience, and that doesn’t lend itself well to the close, intimate relationships most people enjoy with family. I’m too far at sea, and I’ve been gone too long to understand their daily lives.
I’ve recently completed a first draft of chapter seven for my manuscript, Earning Freedom, and those first 323 pages describe what it’s been like to grow through so many years apart from my family. One clear reminder of how much time has passed is my niece, Isabella. I cried over the telephone when I heard about my younger sister, Christina giving birth to Isabella. I was just starting my sentence then, and I felt sad, alone, because I couldn’t hold my sister or her baby. Now, Isabella’s in the university. I’ve missed her entire life, as well as all that has gone on in the lives of my mother, my sisters, my other nieces and nephews, even my father’s death.
The journey has been long, though it hasn’t always been bad. I’ve been blessed with privileges and opportunities that few long-term prisoners enjoy. I was able to educate myself, I’ve built a quasi-career through writing, and I built this extraordinary marriage with Carole, my devoted wife who serves this sentence with me. Yet, casualties exist in that I cannot participate in the lives of my extended family. Telephone restrictions don’t even allow for me to talk with others. I’ve adjusted, though I know my mother and sisters suffer without closer contact with me. I have to keep sailing home, and at most, I know I’ve got four more years to go. Although I’m far away at sea, I send a message to my mom: I love you.
Today I enjoyed a magnificent visit with Carole. I ran three miles in the early morning, and outlined chapter eight. My running tally is now 2,168 miles over the past 245 days.
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Prison Journal: Day 7,976
June 11, 2009
Today my younger sister, Christina, celebrates her 42nd birthday. I began serving my prison sentence when Christina was only 19, and my criminal decisions began before she graduated from high school. Those bad decisions I made led to my missing a significant portion of my sister’s life, and on days like today, her birthday, I feel sad and miss her very much.
Christina lives in Miami. She and her husband married around the same time my prison term began and together they reared two children. Isabella is in her second or third year of university studies, and Camillia is approaching junior high, I think.
Since I transferred to Taft I haven’t enjoyed much communication with Christina, or with anyone from my extended family. The telephone restrictions limit me to 300 phone minutes per month, and that time is not sufficient for me to cultivate family ties. I made the choice long ago to reserve all of my phone minutes for Carole, and that decision separates me from others in my family.
Christina and I had a close relationship while we were growing up. All these years of imprisonment have made me feel as if I don’t know her anymore. In my mind, time stopped in some ways with my arrest. Although Christina has been married for longer than 20 years and she has reared two children. I still visualize her as my little sister. I hope that our family can reunite after my release, but truthfully, I worry that the time I have served comes with irreversible consequences.
I’ll never be able to cultivate the close, family bonds that I would have liked to enjoy with my nieces and nephew. Those four children grew up without me playing much of a role in their lives. We visited only a few times, and sitting in a prison visiting room could not have been such a memorable event for them. My restrictions precluded me from enjoying holidays, family gatherings, or giving them a sense of who I was as a person, as their uncle. A close, extended family, I think, is one of the casualties of my lengthy imprisonment. I thought about my sisters while I ran today.
After 10 miles, I returned to the housing unit to edit. It is only through work that I can alleviate these feelings of separation. Tomorrow I will visit with Carole, and that will help. I’m also expecting to visit with my friend Lee, and that will be a nice treat.
My running tally is now 1,596 miles over the past 182 days.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
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