Prison Journal: Day 8,220
February 10, 2010
When considering all the holidays we celebrate each year, I’m aware of the special meaning that Valentine’s Day has for me. Certainly, Valentine’s Day is the holiday I look forward to most. This day of romance intensifies my feeling of good fortune at having Carole’s love in my life.
Although I’ve known Carole since 1975, when we were ten, our relationship began around Valentine’s Day of 2002. Every February since has brought gratitude and a sense of urgency as I contemplate what more I can do to prove worthy of all that she means to me. Writing thousands of love letters, all multiple pages in length, will never suffice to express the infinite ways that Carole inspires me. I’ve written those letters—and I will continue writing of my love to her privately—but Carole deserves so much more than I’ve given. I’m eager to give more.
Each Valentine’s Day that passes brings us closer to my release from prison. Once I’m home and living with Carole, memories from the thousands of days and nights we spent apart will compel me to show her how I appreciate her. Instead of telling her through written words, I’ll show her by touching her, by holding her, by kissing her.
We don’t know how many more Valentine’s Days will separate us but after the holidays that have passed since 2002, and after this Valentine’s of 2010, we know that at worst we have three more until we celebrate together. I’m feeling closer, more eager to show her rather than tell her how I love her.
This proximity of my release date encourages both Carole and me. I have linked my life to her in every way possible. We are connected through my work, through my network of support, and through the career I will build upon release. When release comes, she will see how our marriage and love defines who I am. And rather than waiting for the magic of Valentine’s Day to express how grateful I am for her love, I’ll create ways to show her through every day.
Our love through the struggles of imprisonment has not been kept alive by luck or by accident, and growing our love through the ages will require continuous effort I look forward to devoting every day. Loving Carole is the essence of my life and I look forward to February and Valentine’s Days as reminders of how fortunate I am.
When the doors open this morning, I’ll go to the track for exercise. I intend to run 10 miles. I’m not sure whether I’ll return for strength training as I’m scheduled for a meeting that will take place after my run. I’ll report my pushup tally in tomorrow’s blog entry.
[consecutive running log: 3,776 miles over the past 425 days]
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,138
November 20, 2009
Before sleeping each night I read at least one passage from the Bible. I’m not deeply religious as most people would measure that term–I don’t attend worshipping services or participate in prayer groups. By reading passages of the Bible every night, and thanking God for the blessings bestowed upon my family, I strengthen my spirit. Last night, after concluding a book from the New Testament, I turned back to the book of Genesis to read the passage of Jacob, the brother of Esau. I wanted to read about his dream of the ladder.
That passage of Jacob’s ladder reminds me somewhat of this journey I’m on in prison. In Jacob’s case, he had to flee from his family and he was separated for more than 20 years before his return home. Like Jacob, I feel as if I’m climbing a ladder, with each day bringing me another rung closer to the top, when I’ll leave prison forever and return to my family.
After more than 22 years, of course, my family has changed in significant ways. Both my grandfather and my father have passed away. My youngest sister, Christina, has two daughters, one of whom is in her junior year at Florida State University, and the other is in junior high, but my imprisonment has rendered me a stranger to Christina’s family. My older sister, Julie, also has a family of her own, but because of the prison’s visiting and telephone restrictions, I only connect for a few hours each year. My mother lives in Florida and the thousands of miles between us along with the decades I’ve served, keep me on the periphery. My only real connection with the world is Carole, my wife, and although I take another step closer to her every day, until my release we must make the most of any time prison authorities authorize us to spend together. Carole has joined me on this ladder, climbing one step closer to our beginning each day.
In 52 days, Carole will resume nursing school until the end of 2010. If I’m still in prison when she graduates, I may request a transfer to a prison that will allow us to visit more frequently than once each week. Even though we’ve been climbing this ladder together for eight years, I can sense that prison is wearing on my wife, and we need to strengthen our connection with more frequent visits.
Before my visit with Carole this morning, I had a light exercise session, running only three miles and not following with any strength training.
[consecutive running log: 3,050 miles over the past 342 days]
Friday, 20 November 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,107
October 20, 2009
Seven years ago today I was enjoying my first week of visiting with Carole. She was living in Oregon, then, and I was in Fort Dix, New Jersey. We had been corresponding for months, but on 17 October 2002, she came to visit me for the first time.
During the years that we’ve passed together since then, Carole and I have built a wonderful life. That may seem strange to some readers, but not to us. During the hours we’ve shared together, we’ve sown the seeds for a lifetime of romance and happiness.
When I reach these days of October, I always look back to how quickly the time has passed. We’ve had our struggles with prison complications, but our love has never wavered, and we’ve succeeded in growing closer in spite of our challenges. I like looking back, because it gives me some conception of how much closer I’m coming to my release.
It doesn’t seem so long ago that Carole and I shared our first kiss, and I still remember it clearly. I recently wrote it in my manuscript, and it seems I remember every visit we’ve shared since then. That comforts me, because I know that if I project myself seven years forward, I will be home and living together with her, and prison will be a part of our past.
Today I spent time thinking about our future, and I thought about what more I can do. Carole asked me today what my next project will be. I have to wait for word on how my agent and the publisher respond to my new manuscript. Once I have more finality on that project, I’ll decide. For now, I’m spending a lot of time thinking.
I ran 10 miles this morning, followed by 300 pushups. My running tally is 2,775 miles over the past 311 days.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,088
October 1, 2009
On 1 October 1988, 21 years ago today, I began to exercise regularly.
I exercised regularly during the previous year, but I was locked in jails and only able to exercise in my cell with pushups. By the time I transferred to the U.S. Penitentiary in Atlanta, I was fit and ready to commit to a lifelong fitness plan. Since then, not a single week has passed without my exercising at least four days.
Recently, 293 days ago, I began exercising every day. I’ve been blessed withexcellent health that allows me to keep this schedule, but I’m certain that exercising every day contributes to my good health. During that stretch, I’ve run 2,606 miles, including the 10 miles that I ran this morning. It was during that run that I thought about how essential fitness has been to my adjustment through these decades of imprisonment.
Today, I finished the edit through chapter nine of Earning Freedom. In one more week, I’ll finish the last of this editing round, and I’m pleased. The only thing that makes me happier is that Carole will visit me tomorrow.
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,078
September 21, 2009
I’m very grateful for the privilege of being able to run every morning. This morning I ran 10 miles, boosting my consecutive running to 283 days and accumulating a tally of 2,513 miles during that time. I haven’t taken a day off from running since December 12, 2008, and as I ran my loops around the track this morning, I relished in my good fortune.
In 2007, I spent 65 days locked inside the Special Housing Unit (SHU) at the Lompoc prison. While I was locked inside the SHU cells, I missed my access to the lush, scenic grounds of Lompoc. I used to run every morning while I was in Lompoc camp but only for one hour. When guards locked me in SHU for ridiculous charges related to my writing –false charges that were later dismissed–I exercised in the cell by running in place and doing pushups on the concrete floor.
Here at Taft Camp, I’ve run longer distances than at any other time. I’ve exercised consistently throughout the 22-plus years of my imprisonment but last December I told my friend, Justin Paperny that I would run every day until I reach 1,000 miles. We both thought that was an audacious goal, but after I corssed through 1,000 miles on April 5th of this year, I realized I could keep going. I’ve since raised my target to 7,000 miles. I like setting this clearly identifiable goal, and I’m capable of achieving it. It’s fulfilling to mark my progress, and I’ve come to value time alone on the track.
I still wake to begin my writing before two each morning but when the guard opens the door around six, I’m in my running gear with my dusty sneakers laced and ready. I don’t listen to the radio when I run; the only sound I want to hear is the sound of gravel crunching under my steps or the sound of my breathing. When I’m running, I’m alone, away from prison, thinking of my writing, my responsibilities to prepare for home and how wonderful my life will be when I’m living with Carole.
After my run today, I edited chapter two of Earning Freedom then created a letter that Carole will send through a mail merge to 75 university professors.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,065
September 8, 2009
I began writing this morning with hopes of finishing a draft of chapter eleven. The chapter goes on. I began writing at 1:49, and I wrote through page 521. Yet the characters at Lompoc camp who played a role in disrupting my life require more space to develop. This chapter may stretch for 15,000 words. I expect to finish tomorrow, and I’m eager to advance to the next chapter, which brings me to present time at Taft Camp. That chapter, also, may be long.
I spoke with my wife over the phone this morning. (After all these years, I still like saying “my wife.”) Carole told me that our new Web site is up. Once I finish this manuscript, I expect to return to adding more substantial content for the Web site than daily journal entries. I’m glad that I’m ahead of schedule with the manuscript, as I feel confident that I’ll finish a solid draft of Earning Freedom before the end of this month.
Carole has used the Internet since 2003 to build my Web presence, and I’m looking forward to seeing our work online when I come home.
I ran 10 miles this morning. The run brings my cumulative tally to 2,397 miles over the past 270 days.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,062
September 5, 2009
News from Carole brought me a bit of difficulty this afternoon. Her son, Michael, is serving in the armed forces, stationed in Iraq. I’ve been comforting her for the past few months with encouragement about the honor of his service and the excellent life training he receives as a U.S. soldier. The unfortunate realities of war can upset my efforts at giving Carole a positive message.
Today Carole learned that two soldiers from Michael’s battalion—a 19-year-old boy who was in boot camp and basic training with Michael, and a husband and father, age 40, with a wife and young family at home—were killed on a mission.
Carole was crying when she gave me the news, and while I’m here, with all the restrictions of my life, I’m not able to comfort her in the way a husband should. I hurt for Carole. She has struggled through the pains of my imprisonment for many years, and her heart now hurts with worries for Michael’s safety. I say a prayer for Michael, and for Carole’s peace.
This morning and afternoon I had good success writing chapter eleven. I’ve advanced the manuscript through page 494. This chapter describes my time at Lompoc Camp, just before my transfer to Taft Camp. I had many experiences at Lompoc, and the chapter may stretch to 50 pages. I’ve written 28 pages, but I still have much to cover. I expect to finish before Wednesday, and look forward to the next chapter, describing my time in Taft Camp and the events going on in Carole’s and my life right now. I expect to finish this draft of the manuscript with 550 to 575 pages.
This morning I ran 10 miles, bringing my tally to 2,367 miles over 267 consecutive days.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,055
August 29, 2009
In Taft Federal Prison Camp, I share space with nearly 500 minimum-security prisoners. Many of the men tell tall tales about their amazing success as businessmen in the community. I’ve learned to dismiss and ignore most of the men, as the lies I’ve heard border on the absurd. Sometimes, however, I have the privilege of shaking hands with men who’ve made substantial contributions to the advancement of our society. For the past several months, I’ve appreciated opportunities to spend time with David and Tuvia. They’re friends and business partners in Los Angeles, and they each serve brief sentences with me here at Taft.
My wife and I spend every Friday in the Taft visiting room. Since David and Tuvia receive visitors every Friday, Carole and I have met their wives, Judy and Gila, along with their many friends and business partners. Whereas Carole and I cherish those few hours together, David and Tuvia rotate new visitors into the room for one or two-hour sessions all day long. Each man serves a brief sentence, yet they have so many people who love and care for them, they juggle as many as 20 visitors on any given Friday.
Rather than brag about the great success they’ve made in their lives, as many other Taft prisoners like to do, David and Tuvia lead very low-key lives inside our boundaries. They’re friendly with all the other prisoners, and I presume they have more tolerance for the nonsense stories that others tell. Yet the support they receive from so many family and friends attests to the genuine love others feel for them. In that way, and in at least one other, those men are role models for me.
The other way is the love and devotion they feel for their family. Each has been married to his wife for many decades, and when they’re together, their obvious affection for their spouses is evident. Their children come from as far away as Israel to pass a few hours together in the visiting room. I admire those close family ties, and Carole and I look forward to strengthening our family ties when I leave these boundaries behind. For now, we continue to reserve most all of my visiting hours for each other, as we strive to build a marriage that becomes stronger through the decades.
This morning, at 2:27, I began writing on chapter ten of the manuscript. By the time I wrapped up my day, I had advanced the manuscript through page 434. It’s coming along.
I ran 10 miles this morning. Today’s run boosted my cumulative tally to 2,304 miles over the past 260 consecutive days.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,054
August 28, 2009
I just heard the strangest news from another prisoner at Taft Camp. He told me that he received an incident report because officials suspected that he had mailed a letter to his wife with instructions that his wife should forward the letter to someone else. I understand that policies prohibit inmates from corresponding with other people who are in prison. I haven’t heard of a rule that prohibits prisoners from using family members or others as a clearinghouse to pass along other correspondence. I’m going to look into the mail policy more closely, and when I learn more, I’ll write about it. Until then, I will not send letters home for my wife to pass along to others.
It will not be much longer, I keep telling myself, that I’ll leave prison for the real world. Running every day helps. I don’t expect to be in prison 1,000 days from now, and since I have more than 8,000 prison days behind me, I can handle it.
This morning I began writing chapter ten of Earning Freedom. I began outlining the chapter before 2:00 AM, and by 6:00 I wrote the first four pages, advancing the manuscript to page 424. Then I went outside to exercise. I ran 3 miles, the shorter distance I always run when I’m expecting a visit from my wife. My running tally is now 2,294 miles over the past 259 days.
Carole and I enjoyed a wonderful six hours together. The time is never long enough for me. I miss her terribly each Friday night, but I’m finding strength in the manuscript I’m writing. It’s therapeutic for me to write about the prison journey, and now I’m in a section where Carole and I go through our first transfer together. I look forward to writing more tomorrow.
Friday, 28 August 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,050
August 24, 2009
I saw a blurb cross the streaming news ticker at the bottom of the CNN screen this morning that related to prison crowding in the State of California. The state legislature is deliberating over prison reforms that would allow nonviolent California prisoners who participate in education or vocational programs to serve the remainder of their sentences in community confinement centers. I applaud this progressive news.
Some citizens oppose any type of early release for people in prison, regardless of what efforts the prisoners make to reconcile with society. I don’t understand such a lust for punishment. It would seem that by now, all citizens would recognize the need for “smarter” use of our prison resources. It’s absurd to me that some citizens limit their perceptions of justice to calendar pages turning.
What would prove more beneficial to society?
- Requiring a nonviolent offender to serve every day of a 10-year sentence OR
- Encouraging that nonviolent offender to earn a vocational certificate and train for sustainable employment over a four-year period, then releasing him to a supportive group and employment?
To me, the second alternative makes so much more sense. The only segment of society that would benefit from the first would be the bloated prison industry, or those who identify with “Shylock,” Shakespeare’s character from The Merchant of Venice.
This morning I began writing at 1:51 am. I’m continuing to enjoy writing about my earliest months with Carole. Today I wrote through page 401 of the manuscript, and I feel so proud of Carole’s commitment to our marriage and happiness.
I ran 10 miles in the morning, bringing my running tally to 2,261 miles over the past 255 days.
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