Self-Surrender Checklist: Family and Friends

Those about to self-surrender to federal prison would be wise to think about their relationships with family and friends. I have been a prisoner for longer than 23 years. The journey has been long, but not without meaning, happiness, and fulfillment. As I write about in my books, especially in Prison! My 8,344th Day, I attribute the peace of mind that I’ve kept through prison to my relationship with family and friends.

Nurturing relationships with family and friends through a lengthy prison sentence requires work. The prisoner must remember that he is not alone in experiencing the hardship of imprisonment. All of those who love a prisoner, to some extent, struggle through the difficulties that imprisonment brings. Each prisoner has the responsibility of helping his family members and friends triumph over the challenges of confinement.

Some of the difficulties that prisoners must consider include limitations on telephone access and restrictions on visiting. By writing regularly, a prisoner can keep connections to loved ones alive. Writing, however, requires a commitment. The prisoner must write without expectations of receiving a response. People outside may not take the time to write letters, address envelopes, send mail. Prisoners must write anyway.

Prisoners can help themelves by recognizing that all of the challenges that people outside face. While in prison, the system will provide food, clothing, shelter, and a community. It’s very much a communistic system, with the institution providing everyone in accordance with needs and the individual serving the needs of the institution. I detest it, but I’ve learned to grow despite the wretchedness of it. One of the reasons I grow is because I commit each day to prove worthy of the love I receive from family and friends.

While the system provides for my needs, I understand that my family and friends must go on with their lives. Whereas I can commiserate with people in prison who endure the same struggles as I endure, my wife cannot so easily talk with others. She must live with the stigma of having a husband in prison. In our case the challenge may be less intense because we lead such a public life as a kind of voice from within the prison system. Other wives, however, struggle with this system. It’s up to each prisoner to help.

Children also suffer. They do not always know how to respond to friends. They do not have the peace to speak about the problems a father’s imprisonment brings to the family. Those complications manifest in different ways. The prisoner must consider them and think about how he will influence growth despite the complications wrought by confinement.

The lives of friends will move on, too. They will focus on their careers, their immediate relationships outside. As months and years separate a prisoner from society, those ties will weaken. Prisoners must prepare themselves for such eventualities. The harder he works to nurture family and community ties, the more effective he will be in maintaining them.

Through the books I’ve written I’ve described steps that I’ve taken to build strong support networks. It’s a strategy that any prisoner can follow and I urge new prisoners to embrace the same strategy. I wrote extensively about my commitment to building a strong support network in Prison! My 8,344th Day, and readers may seem the same discipline through my daily blogs or my week-at-a-glance updates. All of those efforts feed my optimism that opportunities will open for a better life upon release. I urge those about to embark upon a prison journey to consider how they can work to build and nurture their own strong networks of support.