Friday, 23 January 2009
I went to bed an hour later than usual last night because I wanted to watch a television show about a man with whom I was once in prison. The decision was a mistake, as I lost an hour of sleep and didn’t get much value from watching the program.
Despite going to bed at eight last night, I had a lot to complete before my visit so I woke at 2:30 a.m. I wrote on my project until six, and completed through page 192. Then I put away my writing gear and walked out to the track. Since I was eagerly awaiting my visit with Carole, I only ran three miles. That brought my running tally to 383 miles in 42 days.
I returned to my housing unit to shower and prepare for the visit. Those hours of waiting before the visit strained me. I felt most like a prisoner then, as I paced the floor, watching out of windows, doing whatever I could to will my wife here sooner. The time between visits could feel like a slow crawl through the desert, and a kiss from my wife was the only possibility to reinvigorate me. If I were not expecting visits, I could power through prison without a second thought. But in waiting for Carole, I surrendered a sense of my strength, or my self-empowerment. Willingly, I placed my capacity for peace in her hands.
She was not scheduled to arrive until nine, and that was precisely when I heard the guard page me to the visiting room. Carole has been my link to the world since 2002, and I have grown dependent upon her to oversee all of my efforts to connect with society. As I approach my release, the level of work I’m producing is overwhelming Carole. She works full time as a nurse and continues studies toward a Bachelor’s degree in nursing. The demands of my work, especially in light of new rules that block my access to typewriters, have brought stress between us. We did not use our time together wisely today, and as a consequence, I know that we’ll both suffer through a difficult week ahead.
I have to make a change. I need to find another resource to help my with my web strategy. This work is becoming too much for Carole to manage, and yet I deem it crucial to my preparations for success upon release. I called Julie, my sister, and asked her to help Carole find me a new web designer who can modify my blog presentations. I must also find a typist. These changes are necessary, as by continuing to depend on Carole, I am putting too much pressure on her, and too much strain on our marriage.
This is prison. It is a constant adjustment. I am thankful that Carole has the patience to cope with my drive.
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