Today I began serving my 24^th consecutive year in prison. I don’t mind. Prison has become a completely normal part of my life, the only life I know. I work hard every day to prepare for my return to society, and I’ve been ready for many years, but regardless of how hard I work release doesn’t strike me as being much more than a fantasy. The barriers are still too high, with years of climbing ahead. I’ll take one day at a time, working to build resources I will need to triumph over the obstacles to come.

Although I have adjusted well to my imprisonment, I think back to how difficult my arrest in 1987 must have been for my parents and sisters. It must have devastated them. I was facing charges that could bring this ridiculously long term. Despite the strength I tried to portray, my family must have been humiliated and fearful of my fate. I don’t have children, so I won’t know what pain my mother and father must have gone through as a consequence of the reckless decisions I made in my early 20s. I’m sorry for the pain I caused. My imprisonment must have been very hard on my mother, father, and sisters than it was on me. I adjusted and tried my best to grow through the decades I served, to lead a meaningful life. But my family members, it would seem, had to move on with their lives without me. Losing a family member to prison would challenge any parent or sibling.

Despite this being my 24^th August 11 in prison, I remember the day of my arrest clearly. I remember the sound of handcuffs clicking as they locked my wrists behind my back and I remember being led into that first holding cell. I looked around and wondered how long it would last. I still wonder how long it will last as I don’t have a clear indication as to when I’ll be released. It’s still an open road ahead, though I know the worst case is only three more years.

Three years doesn’t daunt me. In fact, prison doesn’t daunt me. I’m more focused on the next four months. In December my wife graduates from nursing school and I will have more information about a prison transfer. Those changes are real, but when they come prison will still be the context of my life. I’m looking forward to learning something new, but those visions are still surreal while I listen to guards walking around with their clanking keys.

I’ll keep climbing. Next year on this day I’ll begin serving my 25^th consecutive year. I’ll have more clarity then, I think. For now I must continue to rely upon my work to push through the darkness.

Ran 10 miles / 5,415 miles in 607 days

500 pushups / 86,700 pushups in 2010

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

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