Prison Journal: Day 7,950
May 16, 2009
I had a difficult time sleeping last night. That is not a problem I have too often. My visit with Carole went really well yesterday, though the news she shared about support I was receiving from people in the world really influenced my equanimity. I don’t know how long this is going to last.
After our visit, I returned to my housing unit and I read through the mail. By 5:00 PM I lay on my rack. My eyes felt especially heavy though I could not sleep. I closed them and simply thought. I thought about what my life will be like when I am not a prisoner. I can’t fully think about being free, so I’m gradually preparing myself by imagining what it will feel like to live with some kind of supervision, though not as a prisoner.
I am 45 now. I have a master’s degree though I would have liked to have earned either a PhD or a law degree. As I lay on my rack last night, I thought about finishing another degree program. Then I came to the conclusion that I am too old for such ambitions. If I were to walk out of prison in three years, two years, or even one year, I would need to begin working. I need to begin accumulating resources that will allow Carole and me to own a home. We are poor. I cannot afford to work through three to four more years of school and accumulate tens of thousands in tuition debt. I must sacrifice such fantasies, just as I’ve had to realize that I will never be a father. Even if I were to walk out of prison this year, the context of prison will always be a part of my life.
I have to become okay with this reality. To find happiness, or to create happiness, I feel strongly that I must make the most of what I have. This means, I believe, that I must take factors into consideration such as my age, my family’s needs, my earning capacity over the remainder of my working years, and the challenges that may continue to hang over my head as a consequence of the bad decisions I made in my early twenties.
Those thoughts interrupted my sleep. I woke numerous times. At 2:27 I hopped down from my rack and gathered my gear to write. Since I cannot allow myself to dwell on the challenges that I may face upon release, I thank God for the blessings Carole and I receive. Then I set to work on preparing for the day I will walk out of prison.
At 6:00 I went to exercise. I ran 10 miles and followed with 300 pushups. My running tally is now 1,372 miles over the past 155 consecutive days.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Related posts:
- Prison Journal: Day 8,107
- Prison Journal: Day 7,907
- Prison Journal: Day 7,912
- Prison Journal: Day 7,894
- Prison Journal: Day 7,926
Comments
Got something to say?
Subscribe
