Prison Journal: Day 8,400
August 9, 2010
Kimbel, a long-term prisoner, walked out of Taft Camp this morning after 20 years of incarceration. I was writing at the table where I work every morning when I saw him carrying his box of personal belongings. He is now in his late 50s, as physically fit as a man in his early 30s, and filled with optimism for all the excitement that will come with freedom.
As he waited for the guard to unlock the door I spoke with him. He told me that his sister and her family were going to pick him up at 7:00 a.m. They would drive to Oakland, where he would serve the final six months of his term in a halfway house—or possibly transfer to a home-confinement program. Kimbel is fortunate in that he will not be burdened with any conditions of supervised release, so once his time with the BOP concludes he will be free.
I felt a bit emotional as we were talking this morning. My departure, also, is coming very quickly. When I am released a flood of emotions will overwhelm me. I know it. I could feel it this morning as I was saying goodbye. Kimbel and I were not particularly close friends, but we worked together the past couple of years in our outreach program to help at-risk kids. My emotions this morning had more to do with the camaraderie he and I shared as long-term prisoners. With Kimbel’s departure, I don’t know any other prisoners at Taft Camp who have been incarcerated for more than 15 years. That means I’ve been imprisoned for a decade longer than anyone else in this prison, and for 20 years longer than most of the men around me.
I empathize with every person in prison, but my perceptions differ because I’ve been incarcerated for so much longer than everyone else. I have plans and I feel well prepared to thrive upon release. But it sure feels good to see another long-term prisoner walk out. Some day Carole will pick me up and we’ll begin our life together. Exciting!
Ran 10 miles / 5,395 miles in 605 days
500 pushups / 85,700 pushups in 2010
Monday, 9 August 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,393
August 2, 2010
Today I met Jay, a man who voluntarily returned to serve five months in Taft Prison Camp rather than serve several years on supervised release. Jay served 17 calendar years in various prisons on the east coast before he completed his term of imprisonment. He left prison to begin enjoying freedom in Las Vegas, and from what he described he enjoyed that freedom in high style under the sponsorship of his nephew, Phil Ivey.
Phil Ivey, according to those who know, is one of the world’s most famous poker players. He plays in every major poker tournament and he is frequently on television. When Jay walked out of prison after 17 years, he walked into Phil’s world, as a true player in Las Vegas. Jay described driving the best automobiles, wearing custom tailored suits, and being catered to in the best ways that Las Vegas had to offer. Supervised release wasn’t too burdensome for him, Jay said, but rather than put up with several years of the hassle, he elected to violate the conditions of his release with an understanding that by serving five months more in prison Jay would conclude his obligation to the Justice Department.
Not all prisoners have the same option that Jay had. He was convicted in the early 1990s. The sentencing scheme then in place provided that offenders who violated conditions of supervised release would return to prison for a period of time and in so doing wipe out their commitments to the criminal justice system. That law has since changed. Individuals convicted under laws now in place face much tougher consequences if they violate conditions of supervised release. They return to prison, then face new and oftentimes extended terms of supervised release.
I enjoyed speaking with Jay. As it turned out, by talking to each other we learned that we both were confined at the medium-security prison in Fairton, New Jersey during the early months of 1996. We didn’t know each other then, but that wouldn’t be unusual because more than 1,000 men served time inside the Fairton fences.
Jay told me that Las Vegas had numerous temptations that weren’t always healthy for a man who has been in prison for many years. I do not feel threatened by temptations, I told him, because I’m well-disciplined.
Ran 10 miles / 5,330 miles in 598 days
500 pushups / 83,700 pushups in 2010
Monday, 2 August 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,392
August 1, 2010
The month of August always brings some significance for me–it’s the month (in 1987) that my imprisonment commenced. In just 10 days I’ll begin serving my 24th consecutive year of confinement.
Carole and I have four months to make a decision about where we intend to begin our life upon release. The planning for this decision brings numerous considerations. We don’t have roots in any city. We’ve been living as nomads, moving from place to place as administrators transferred me. I expect one more transfer but that doesn’t really count. Once I arrive at my next prison stop, I will begin efforts to meet with the parole board and discussions about halfway house will take on an importance. Once year from right now I will become eligible for furloughs and release will become an imminent reality. Carole and I must be ready, and being ready requires us to make a decision about the city where we’ll begin our life together.
That decision for us differs from most couples our age. Others have deep roots at this stage of their lives. They have friends, career considerations, children, other responsibilities to consider. Yet as an RN, Carole can find work anywhere. I expect that my career will have an Internet base and involve extensive travel on short trips for speaking. All that really matters for me is that I’m close to a convenient airport and that I have outstanding technology access. Where will that be?
For many years I believed that Carole and I should begin our life in either New York City or Los Angeles. I felt certain that my career would grow best in a big market. But the more I read about the Internet’s power, the more convinced I become that I’ll function well from any city. Because of the reality, I’ve thought a great deal about returning to Seattle, where I have strong support and where I could complete my period of supervised release with the least amount of interference.
But recently I’ve begun to question that logic. Outside forces will not dictate my behavior and I don’t have any fear about complying with the terms of supervised release anywhere. I don’t drink or use drugs, I’m faithful to my wife, I intend to live with financial stability as a priority, and I will live transparently.
Supervised release should not be the major factor in determining where Carole and I begin our life. I want that transition to be as easy as possible, with as little stress as possible—yet I must not diminish the reality that I’m returning to society as a man in his late 40s after a prolonged imprisonment. Where will be the best city to make my landing with Carole? That is a question I spent many hours contemplating today.
Ran 10 miles / 5,320 miles in 597 days
300 pushups / 83,200 pushups in 2010
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,388
July 28, 2010
It’s easy for a man to say he’s going to change his life in positive ways upon imprisonment. Really changing, though, is something else. Positive change does not happen by accident. It is a personal choice that requires the right attitude, commitment, and discipline.
Anicasio Muñoz (who goes by Nick), didn’t begin his term with the intention of changing anything about himself. He self-surrendered to Taft camp in October of 2008 with anger anchoring his adjustment. The thought of being separated from his wife of 10 years and three young children while he served a six-year sentence embittered him. But after one month of sulking in anger, Nick decided to take action. Instead of wasting time, he chose to use it to his advantage.
“The first step I took was signing up for the GED program,” Nick said. A troubled childhood had led Nick to drop out of school in the ninth grade, and problems with law enforcement followed. As an adult he worked his way into a successful career as a mortgage broker, but Nick regretted his lack of educational credentials. “After getting over my anger, I was able to see that I could use my time at Taft to change a negative into a positive. I wanted to make that change for my wife and kids.”
Nick studied on his own for the GED exam, and by passing it with high scores he boosted his self confidence. He hadn’t seen himself as a good student before, but success with the GED prompted him to further advance his educational credentials.
“I decided to devote every day of my imprisonment to earning credentials that would show my commitment to changing in positive ways. If I saw a program being offered that would teach me something or improve my life, I signed up. It didn’t matter what it was. I completed courses in crocheting, parenting, walking, man-in-the-mirror, reflections, and several drug awareness courses. My real passion was college. I was determined to earn a degree.”
Nick’s active schedule displaced his anger. Instead of fuming with resentment over time away from family, he began to embrace opportunities that would show his commitment to conquering a difficult situation. One day he would walk out of prison boundaries, yet freedom would not end the lasting stigma of confinement. Nick anticipated awkward interactions with probation officers, employers, and others in society. Since he couldn’t hide from his history of imprisonment, Nick aspired to show those who would judge or evaluate him that–despite some earlier bad decisions–his consistent efforts were focused on redemption and earning his freedom.
“Anyone can make bad decisions that lead to problems,” Nick observed. “My goal was to make changes that would convince others it wasn’t the problems that defined me. Instead, the positive way I responded to problems would define me.”
By sacrificing television and other leisure-type activities, Nick made progress. He studied voraciously and earned an associate’s degree in social sciences in 2009. He has continued his quest for self-improvement and is on schedule to earn a second associates degree in general business from Taft College before the end of 2010. Simultaneously, Nick studies independently through Louisiana State University and he expects to earn a bachelor’s degree before the completion of his sentence.
“The degrees validate the commitment I made to improve my life,” Nick acknowledged, “but the real value comes from all I’ve learned. I’ve improved my vocabulary and my communication skills, and I’ve gained a new comprehension of what makes society function. Education will prove invaluable to my career, but more importantly, I’ve become a better human being–one who isn’t consumed with anger or bitterness.”
When Nick concludes his sentence and meets with his probation officer for the first time, he won’t have to say that he has changed. His accomplishments will speak for him.
Ran 10 miles / 5,285 miles in 593 days
500 pushups / 81,200 pushups in 2010
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,380
July 20, 2010
Today I interviewed a young prisoner at Taft Camp who has some misguided perceptions. He’s in his early 20s, and he’s been influenced by reality television shows that depict all of the ugliness of prison.
Shows like Lockdown and Maximum Security dramatize all of the violence and gang activity inside. What they fail to show are individuals who are serving time in prison with positive attitudes and the commitment to prepare—in every way—for successful re-entry into society as better human beings. The young man told me that he wanted to live a normal life once he returned to society, but while he served his sentence he would accept the ways of the prison, meaning he would live the cycle of failure that prisons are so good at perpetuating.
When I talk with young men who begin serving their terms with such attitudes, I try to open their minds to different perspectives. When prisoners close their minds to the outside world and see only prison, they act like prisoners. It’s a mistake. Before long they begin trying to make a prison reputation. They respond to inevitable altercations with violence. That results in transfer to higher security and pressures for more violence. Before long the prisoner is in a gang or carrying a weapon. Then he is charged with a new crime and receives sentencing enhancements that lead to his serving 20 or 30 years instead of the five years he started with. Why? Because he wanted a prison reputation.
Anyone can build a prison reputation. All it takes is stupidity and a knife. Instead of thinking about building a prison reputation, I told the young man he should think about how he wants to live the rest of his life and what he can do now to prepare for it. That perception is the key to a successful prison adjustment.
When people come to prison with expectations that there isn’t anything they can do to change their lives for the better, they behave like prisoners. If they had meaningful incentives to work toward, on the other hand, more people in prison would use their time productively. Administrators should implement new policies that foster hope, not extinguish it.
I try to lead by example, to show other prisoners that if they work to educate themselves, avoid problems, focus on preparing for the challenges that await release, more opportunities open. It’s a tough sell. Some people cannot focus on rewards that will not materialize for years to come. I wish administrators would help by introducing changes that encourage prisoners with incremental rewards for positive deeds.
Regardless of what administrators do, I will continue my efforts to influence and inspire positive change.
Ran 10 miles / 5,210 miles in 585 days
700 pushups / 78,500 pushups in 2010
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,375
July 15, 2010
Today I learned of a Bureau of Prisons policy change that concerns halfway house placement. A halfway house is a transitional type of housing where prisoners go to serve the final 10 percent of their time. There is a 12-month cap on halfway house placement, but in all the time I’ve served I’ve only known two prisoners who were released to 12 months of halfway house placement, and both of those men served about 20 years in prison. The change will certainly open up space in halfway houses across the country.
According to the new BOP policy, prisoners who have a release residence and a job waiting for them may bypass the halfway house and transition directly from prison to home confinement. I have not read the policy because it is not yet available for prisoners at Taft Camp. We’ve been told to contact our case manager if we think we qualify.
I’m still three years away from my official release date, though I expect that date will change once I see the parole board. It’s likely that the parole board will authorize my release some time in 2012. But with the new policy in place regarding halfway houses, I’ll be able to begin living under “home confinement” conditions with Carole at least six months before my parole date. Theoretically, that means I could be home next year. It’s an exciting prospect.
When I read the policy on halfway house placement and see how it’s being implemented for prisoners I’ll write more. But it’s fun to see these positive developments as I come to the end of my imprisonment. Now I need to find a job and work with Carole on securing a place to live. When the time comes, I’ll be ready.
Ran 10 miles / 5,166 miles over 580 days
700 pushups / 76,200 pushups in 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,346
June 16, 2010
Today I received a letter from Chris, my closest childhood friend. Chris and I grew up in Lake Forest Park and went through elementary school, junior high, and high school together. Our friendship continued after high school, but it has been on again, off again through my imprisonment. I understand why, and it made me happy to receive a letter from him that expressed his understanding as well.
My imprisonment is much more difficult on those in the real world who love me. They sometimes have misperceptions when they visualize my life. Although I try to convey that I’m filled with inner peace, that I’m grateful for the many blessings I’ve received, people outside, people like my friend Chris, have a hard time accepting that I’m completely at ease with where I am.
This phase of my imprisonment is an especially easy one for me because I know I have 90 percent of it behind me. I don’t know how much more time I’ll serve, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. I’ve done the heavy lifting, and the preparations that I made early in my term give me confidence that I’ll triumph over the obstacles that I am certain await my release.
When release does come, it will be wonderful to connect again with old friends. Since Chris and I were such good friends as children and young adults, I look forward to reliving memories with him and his wife. The funny thing about our history is that both Chris and I married women we grew up with; all four of us attended the same schools and participated in the same summer activities in our community. When my term comes to an end, we’ll all be close to 50, so clearly our lives will have changed significantly. I look forward to catching up.
Another irony is that although I’ve been in prison for decades, both Chris and his wife know much more about me than I know about them. My life is so transparent because of my writing, publishing, and Web postings that anyone can follow my journey if they want to read. My knowledge about other people, though, is kind of stuck in time—back in the 1980s. I remember Chris as being young and athletic. I cannot imagine him as a mature adult with a family of his own; that was not how I knew him. Time has moved on for him, but I don’t have a clear vision of how a quarter century changes a person.
I had the same experience with my wife. When we reconnected almost a decade ago, I told her that I wouldn’t have recognized her if I had simply run into her in the world. Carole is much more beautiful now as a woman than the pretty girl I remembered from high school.
It feels good for me to connect with childhood friends, and with people I knew before my imprisonment. It will be nice to build new friendships, too.
Ran 10 miles / 4,907 miles over 551 days
100 pushups / 64,600 pushups in 2010
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,344
June 14, 2010
I keep a disciplined schedule in prison but it’s not so rigid that I can’t make adjustments, and that’s exactly what I did after receiving a letter from my friend Tristan in Friday’s mail.
Tristan has been helping me with the long memoir that I finished writing earlier this year. In his letter, he recommended some revisions to the manuscript,a nd he asked me to describe my typical day in prison. Since I’ve been meaning to write a “typical day” narrative for some time, I quickly decided to suspend work on my current project (a manuscript for at-risk adolescents). I still expect to finish that manuscript by September, but this new writing assignment from Tristan is an appealing project.
Some may think writing about a single day is a simple task, but for me it’s a comprehensive, thoughtful process in which I can completely immerse myself. Writing the moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour description is therapeutic…like a Freudian session where I not only describe my activities but also describe the thoughts going through my mind.
Last year I reread Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s novel One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. That book fictionalized a typical day in a Siberian prison camp. Solzhenitsyn based his novel on his own prison experience. He served eight years in the Siberian prison system and emerged to become one of the most famous prison writers ever. The work of Alexander Solzhenitsyn and other prison writes inspires me.
This narrative project may be the start of a new manuscript, perhaps a booklet of between 100 and 120 pages. I don’t know whether Tristan will find use for it, but my life in prison will soon be a memory and I’ll be glad to have a written document that memorializes a single day here, from the time my eyes open until the time I close them to sleep.
Whatever becomes of the few hundred hours that I will invest in writing this narrative, the effort will not go to waste. I expect to build my career upon release around what I have learned and observed as a long-term prisoner; all of the content I create will play a role in bring that goal to fruition.
Ran 10 miles / 4,887 miles over 549 days
700 pushups / 63,700 pushups in 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,336
June 6, 2010
Carole and I discussed budgets during our wonderful visit yesterday. It’s very important for us as a prison family to rely upon a budget as a tool to keep track of our progress through this journey.
I’ve used budgets throughout my term to ensure I would always have the resources necessary to reach my goal of emerging from prison financially strong and independent. At the end of 2011 I’ll be ready to sit for a review with the U.S. Parole Commission. When I appear before the committee that will determine whether I should be released, I want them to see that through deliberate planning I have prepared myself well to live as a law-abiding citizen upon release. I attribute my progress to discipline that includes budgeting.
My budgets concern more than financial affairs. I also use budgets to record how I’ll spend my time. Early in my prison journey (the late 1980s), I began writing about the goals I wanted to achieve. Those goals became my aspiration, but a budget helped me create the plan that would turn the aspiration into reality.
I still chart my progress every day using my budget. There was a time when I couldn’t conceive of the end of my imprisonment. Now I’m advancing through the final 10 percent of my time inside, and because of the budgets I’ve adhered to for the past two decades I feel well prepared to overcome all the challenges that await me.
Ran 10 miles / 4,812 miles over 541 days
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Prison Journal: Day 8,335
June 5, 2010
Last night the prison showed Invictus, a film starring Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. I would have liked to watch it, but I made a commitment long ago to avoid watching television viewing after 5:00 in the afternoon, and the movie was being shown at 7:00 p.m. I rarely watch television during the mornings or afternoons either, but on occasion I’ll watch a show during the day if I’m between projects.
Nelson Mandela has inspired me for many years. When he was released from prison during the early 1990s I was in the beginning stages of my imprisonment. I knew that he had served 27 years and that comparable to the 26 years I was scheduled to serve. I read his biography, A Long Walk to Freedom, and the story gave me hope that when my prison term concluded I could enjoy a contributing, fulfilling life of some kind. I didn’t expect to lead a country, as Mr. Mandela did, but at least I could walk out of prison with my dignity intact and my spirit strong. To achieve such goals, I understood that I would need to lead a goal-centered adjustment through the decades I would serve.
As I approach the end of my 23rd year, I still follow that strategy because of the lessons I learned from reading about my role models—Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X, Viktor Frankl, Aleksander Solzhenitzyn, Elie Weisal, and other men who walked free from prison stronger than when they were locked inside. I don’t miss television. Time alone is what I have come to cherish. Time alone gives me time to think, to contemplate the life I want to create with my wife when I leave prison.
I look forward to watching Invictus at home, when Carole will be close beside me.
Ran 10 miles / 4,802 miles over 540 days
200 pushups / 59,000 pushups in 2010
Saturday, 5 June 2010
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