Prison Journal: Day 8,118
October 31, 2009
Today is the 23rd consecutive Halloween that I’ve dressed as a prisoner. I’m tired of it, but I’ll be wearing prisoner clothing in 2010, 2011 and possibly 2012. I could be released before October of 2012, but for certain I will be home by 2013. It’s still a long walk to freedom, though when I spell it out like this, when I think that the worst case means only three more Halloweens, that doesn’t seem so bad.
The approaching release date has me thinking about the financial resources I’ll need to have in place. Although I haven’t been in the job market for a long time, I recognize that I’ll need to spend money on clothing, computer equipment, a vehicle, and other costs that I’m not contemplating. Those will be immediate expenditures, and I expect them to exceed ten thousand dollars. Before my release date, I intend to have the money in place that I will need for a stable life.
Acquiring financial resources to ease my transition into society isn’t a problem I want to think about during the days, weeks, or months preceding my release. I’ve been thinking about that problem for longer than the past 10 years. I’m convinced that all prisoners should think about the financial expenditures that await their release, as such an awareness can help them prepare well in advance.
Prisoners who don’t prepare for their financial needs face considerable challenges when they walk out from prison boundaries. Unemployment rates are high for all Americans, but for people who return to society from prison, those unemployment rates are much higher. Prisoners who must struggle to find a job, and who lack cash reserves, will not be able to purchase clothing, a vehicle, or housing. These problems confront all prisoners, yet responsible prisoners figure out ways to respond.
Since I’ve served 22 years in prison, I’ve had ample time to prepare for my release. I urge all prisoners to follow my example: educate, prepare and earn.
This morning I ran 10 miles and followed up with 350 pushups. My running tally is now 2,871 miles over the past 322 days.
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,117
October 30, 2009
One of the ways I strive to find meaning in my prison experience is by writing about it. I don’t write for other prisoners around me, as rules prohibit me from distributing my work inside the prisons where I’m held. My intention in writing about the prison experience is to educate citizens about the challenges of preparing for a law-abiding and contributing life from prison while serving a lengthy prison term.
Since I don’t have direct access to the Internet, and I’ve never been able to participate in gathering with readers who might have an interest in my work, I’m somewhat disconnected. That’s why it’s always a treat for me when a reader reaches out to me. This morning, while I was writing an early-morning letter to my wife, a prison guard from Taft Camp whom I’ve never met before made a point of stopping to tell me that he enjoyed reading Inside, my previous book. We had a little chat and I told him about Earning Freedom, my newest manuscript, and he said he looked forward to reading it.
In the mail I received today, I also read through several email messages that my wife printed and sent. Several students who read Inside wrote to thank me for writing about the prison experience. It’s a real privilege for me to contribute to the education of others, one that makes me feel as if I’m leading a meaningful life. I will continue this work upon release, whenever it comes.
One of the letters was from a graduate student at the Clinton School of Public Service at the University of Arkansas. She completed her undergraduate work at Washington University and an internship with the public defenders office persuaded her to pursue a career in criminal justice and prison reform. The student offered to collaborate with me for an article she would like to write for Frank magazine. I’m honored that she found my work inspiring enough to reach out to me and I wholeheartedly agreed to offer her my insight on the prison experience. I feel a duty to share my experience and to work toward prison reform, and I look forward to sharing this message with as many people as possible.
To work with others is a privilege for any prisoner, as that work can bring the feeling of participating in society. I hope to effect positive change and contribute to the improvement of our criminal justice system, and one way of doing that would be to change the way we measure justice. In the decades to come, I will speak and write about this concept frequently, and I’ll do as much as I can while serving the remainder of my prison term.
This morning I ran seven miles and followed with 200 pushups before coming in to prepare for my visit with Carole. My running tally now extends to 2,861 miles over the past 321 days.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,116
October 29, 2009
Today’s mail brought me a complete copy of the latest version of Earning Freedom, my new manuscript. Carole has made all of edits for this round and she sent me the newest version which is the same version that my agent read and accepted. The manuscript is now in New York where it’s under review by editors at St. Martin’s Press. The volume of pages I received today reminds me of how much work I put into writing the story. I’m hopeful that editors find the manuscript compelling. This book would be the second in a series, after Inside, that describes America’s prison system.
If St. Martin’s Press agrees to publish Earning Freedom, I’d follow it with a third installment that I would write after my release, describing my adjustment to society after nearly two and a half decades in prison. I began serving this term when I was 23, when Ronald Reagan was in the White House. Now the world is much different and as a 45-year old man, I’m different. While I await a decision from St. Martin’s Press, I’ll continue working toward my goals.
Physical fitness will always be an essential part of my life, and running every day helps me pass the time. This morning I ran 10 miles and finished my exercise with 300 pushups. I’ve run for the past 320 consecutive days and during that time I’ve accumulated a total of 2,854 miles. I intend to continue running every day until my release. By the time I reach 1,000 days I should be home.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,115
October 28, 2009
This morning I wasn’t able to run my usual 10-mile distance because of a scheduled outing. Our TOAD group planned to leave the prison in Taft at 7:15 this morning, so I was only able to run six miles before I had to come in and change. That run boosted my tally to 2,844 miles over the past 319 consecutive days.
TOAD, which stands for Those Outspoken Against Drugs, is a youth outreach group made up of prisoners from Taft Camp. TOAD members meet every Wednesday morning to rehearse and the speeches and skits we perform in an effort to persuade at-risk adolescents to avoid criminal behavior. Our participation in the TOAD group represents a part of our effort to make amends with society for the bad decisions we made that led us to prison. By telling our story and expressing our regret to the young people in the audience, we hope to provide them with insight that will help them make better decisions than we made at their age.
I’ve taken advantage of every opportunity to contribute to youth outreach programs throughout my imprisonment. My first opportunity was the Slow Down Program at USP Atlanta; I wrote an article that the Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper published to describe our program. Since we were confined to a high-security United States Penitentiary, enclosed by ominous walls, the children came into the prison and we made our presentations in the visiting room.
When I was confined in prisons where administrators expressed reluctance to allow prisoners access to outside communities, I tried to contribute through writing. I received sponsorships from Golden State Lumber, a business that funded the production of Gangsters and Thugs: Consequences That Hustlers Pay, and with Carole’s help, we distributed thousands of copies to centers for at-risk youth.
As a long-term prisoner, I feel a sense of responsibility to share what I’ve learned as a consequence of my lengthy imprisonment. All of my work and activities represent my quest to earn freedom and I’m grateful that my literary agent, Jim Schiavone, has presented my manuscript to St. Martin’s Press for publishing consideration. I want to share this story of my long journey through prison with readers.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Obama…Answer This
October 27, 2009
This is fantastic!
Check out: http://www.openmediaboston.org/node/990
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F34p0YiSp8g&feature=player_embedded
What it’s about:
1. Alienation of people: We are creating refugees amongst our own people. Inmates come back not feeling like they are part of their own community; not knowing “we the people” means them too.
2. Break up of families: unreasonable prison policies and a culture of oppression is further tarring up families and communities. How can this system support fathers in taking responsibility?
3. Transparency in government: We are turning one group of people to another (great majority of inmates are minorities) With Media barred from facilities and no independent oversight there is no accountability in Massachusetts DOC. Why isn’t media allowed in? If they want to investigate abuses and mismanagement why are they are constantly denied access.
4. President’s Leadership needed: How can President go and see Guantanamo Bay but doesn’t look into his own prisons? Can he assume that everything is right here? How come he can address schools, Middle Eastern countries, but will not address prisons?
5. System accountability: Every prison is different; there is no “system.” So who is responsible for outcome? Each State should be accountable about its prison system to the President. Focus on one place at a time. Find what’s wrong in MA to pass it on to another institution.
Prison Journal: Day 8,113
October 26, 2009
I’m calm as I move into this final week of October. Jim Schiavone, the literary agent who represented my previous book, Inside, is now reviewing Earning Freedom. He will determine whether the manuscript is ready for submission to publishers, and I know a decisions awaits that may influence my life. I’m hopeful, but I’m calm.
I’ve been looking at a calendar and projecting into the future. It won’t be long before we celebrate the holiday season, and in only two months, we’ll be in a new year. This year brings the mark of a new decade, and a feeling of renewal. I began my term in the 1980s; I served all of the 1990s, and now all of the 2000s in prison. When the 2010 decade begins, I will have begun the fourth series of 10 years as a prison—but it will be the decade I’m scheduled for release. As I advance closer to release, I’m thinking much more about the changes that will come and how I will live.
Mostly, I’m looking forward to building my life with Carole, and to making contributions to society through my career. Sometimes I find myself staring into space, wondering about what freedom is like. Earlier today, I spoke with Carole about my enthusiasm to discover so much about the world together with her. That time approaches, and we’re both ready.
Today I ran 10 miles in the morning and I followed the run with 300 pushups. I’ve run 2,828 miles in 317 consecutive days.
Monday, 26 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,107
October 20, 2009
Seven years ago today I was enjoying my first week of visiting with Carole. She was living in Oregon, then, and I was in Fort Dix, New Jersey. We had been corresponding for months, but on 17 October 2002, she came to visit me for the first time.
During the years that we’ve passed together since then, Carole and I have built a wonderful life. That may seem strange to some readers, but not to us. During the hours we’ve shared together, we’ve sown the seeds for a lifetime of romance and happiness.
When I reach these days of October, I always look back to how quickly the time has passed. We’ve had our struggles with prison complications, but our love has never wavered, and we’ve succeeded in growing closer in spite of our challenges. I like looking back, because it gives me some conception of how much closer I’m coming to my release.
It doesn’t seem so long ago that Carole and I shared our first kiss, and I still remember it clearly. I recently wrote it in my manuscript, and it seems I remember every visit we’ve shared since then. That comforts me, because I know that if I project myself seven years forward, I will be home and living together with her, and prison will be a part of our past.
Today I spent time thinking about our future, and I thought about what more I can do. Carole asked me today what my next project will be. I have to wait for word on how my agent and the publisher respond to my new manuscript. Once I have more finality on that project, I’ll decide. For now, I’m spending a lot of time thinking.
I ran 10 miles this morning, followed by 300 pushups. My running tally is 2,775 miles over the past 311 days.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,106
October 19, 2009
I woke at 1:25 this morning, and by 1:45 I was sitting at the table where I work. Since I sent the final edits of Earning Freedom out yesterday, for now I’m without a project to focus on. Still, my time wasn’t wasted. I find value in simply sitting alone, staring into space, contemplating the time behind me, the time of imprisonment ahead, and the life I’ll lead once I’m free. My release date is coming.
According to the BOP calculations, my release will not come until August of 2013, about 46 months from now. To some, that seems like a long time. I keep it in perspective because I have 266 months behind me, and 46 months doesn’t feel very far away. I’ll continue working on the manuscript project, I’ll work to open career opportunities, and I’ll work to continue building my support network and public speaking opportunities. Most importantly, I’ll continue romancing my wife. Partnering with her on these projects is fulfilling and satisfying as we create the life that we both want together and that we’ll soon share.
I spent this morning writing to Carole, and I look forward to doing the same thing tomorrow. I ran 10 miles, increasing my consecutive total to 2,765 miles over 310 days. Following my run, I did 300 pushups.
Monday, 19 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,104
October 17, 2009
I have a friendly relationship with my case manager here at Taft Camp. She’s in her early thirties and she treats all prisoners with courtesy that I appreciate. She sometimes asks questions about whether I’ll be able to adjust to society after all the years I’ve served. For example, she was puzzled when I told her that I reserve all of my telephone minutes to talk with my wife and not others in my family. Since her office is beside the room where I write, she sees me alone at a table writing every day. She was surprised when I told her that I don’t watch television, that I eat alone and that I’m sleeping before six each evening in order to resume my writing before two each morning. She suggests that all of the time I spend alone may render me incapable of normal social interactions when I’m released, not realizing that my alone time is part of my prison adjustment.
Every decision I make in prison has a purpose. I understand the many traps of living in confinement and since I know the perils, I take precautionary steps to avoid them. I owe that level of responsibility to the many people in society who support me. It is because of the decisions I make every day and the discipline I exercise, that I’ve been able to lead a fulfilling life despite the 22-plus years I’ve served in prison. I feel ready to adjust to society but I know challenges await me.
I’m surprised that my case manager doesn’t understand that, in order to triumph over the many obstacles that accompany long-term imprisonment, I make sacrifices. I sacrifice interactions with the prison environment in order to ensure that I will break the cycle of failure that prisons so expertly perpetuate. To explain my perspective, I wrote Earning Freedom, and this morning I edited chapters nine and ten of the manuscript. Tomorrow I expect to complete the final chapter edits and Carole ought to submit them to my agent next week. It’s very exciting to have seen this process through.
Today I ran 10 miles and followed the run with 300 pushups. My running tally is now 2,745 miles over the past 308 days.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Prison Journal: Day 8,103
October 16, 2009
It’s 3:57 on Friday morning as I write this journal entry, perhaps too early to record my activities for the day. I’ve been working at this desk since 1:23 this morning. First I edited chapter eight of the manuscript and I really enjoyed that work. Chapter eight takes a turn in the book. It’s about halfway through the story and describes how my values began to change.
After finishing the edit, I felt tightness in my stomach and chest. Although I’ve recently incorporated more abdominal training into my exercise routine, the tumult isn’t from muscle soreness. It’s from stress that I must consciously control. Besides the manuscript, some events are in play that could bring a dramatic change to my life. To ease the tension, I have to breathe deeply and give thanks to God for all of the blessings Carole and I have received. Still, my anxiety persists. I’m looking forward to six when I can leave the dorm and step outside to begin my exercise.
Stress is a normal part of prison life. I’m very good at coping with the tension that frequently comes. One of the reasons that I commit to daily exercise is that I’ve found physical exertion to be an outstanding stress reducer. I’d like to go outside right now.
Today is a visiting day and Carole is scheduled to be here in about five hours. I’m looking forward to our time together. Holding her hand and talking about the future we’re building together helps me. Next week we expect to submit Earning Freedom to our agent and that will give us something new to feel thankful for.
This morning I will run only three miles and I’ll follow the run with 300 pushups. I’ve run 2,732 miles over the past 307 days.
Friday, 16 October 2009
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