Prison Journal: Day 8,026

July 31, 2009

In yesterday’s mail I received a package from Peggy, an English professor who has become a mentor to me. She teaches writing courses in a university, and although we’ve never met, I’m grateful for the many hours she invests to help me develop my writing craft. The suggestions she makes, I can tell, are helping me become a better, more confident writer.

Throughout my years of imprisonment I’ve been blessed with so many mentors, most of whom came from academia. If my fellow prisoners listen to me, I hope to convey to them the importance of cultivating mentors who can help them transcend the restrictions of confinement. I found mentors by writing unsolicited letters to people whom I hoped could help me, though I also found mentors through literature and others through interactions with prisoners who walked the same yards with me.

Early in my term, for example, I read two biographies that helped me. One was Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and the other was The Autobiography of Malcolm X. Obviously, I haven’t met either of those men, but through their literature I learned strategies for growing through challenging circumstances. Because they taught me, I consider them both mentors.

Similarly, in the prisons where I’ve served many years, I always found other prisoners from whom I could learn. Those men had experienced the world, whereas I have been a prisoner all of my adult life. We frequently created symbiotic relationships, where I showed them strategies for growing through and making the most of confinement, while they gave me insights that would help my preparations for release.

At this stage, I really need the guidance I’m receiving from Peggy and my other writing mentors. They’re helping me tell this story of my imprisonment. Today I used Peggy’s suggestions to edit an earlier chapter, and tomorrow I will continue the editing process. I’m grateful to have this work to focus my energy on, and this guidance to help me improve.

I ran three miles this morning, boosting my tally to 2,042 miles over the past 231 days. Then I fell in love with my wife all over again, during one of the best visits we’ve ever shared.

Friday, 31 July 2009

Prison Journal: Day 8,025

July 30, 2009

This morning I resumed my work on chapter six at 1:24 am. Sometimes the urge to write more wakes me, and I sit up in my rack. Why sleep more? I’m rested and motivated, so I hop down, gather my dictionary, pens, and envelopes stuffed with my previous writing, and walk to the room where I work.

When I opened the door this morning, another prisoner was sitting at the table reading. Whereas I was just beginning my day, he had not yet gone to sleep. Many prisoners spend their days sleeping, and watch television or play table games at night. The early mornings are my most productive, so I was glad when the other prisoner surrendered the table and room for me to work.

At 4:00 am, I watched as Walt, a friend of mine, carried his boxes up toward the control center and walked out the doors. After more than 12 years of prison, he was released to a halfway house. When he walked out, I was reminded of my other friend, Justin, who was released from Taft Prison Camp last May. It must be an extraordinary feeling to leave prison. I thought about the possibility for awhile, though the concept still seems surreal to me. I’ve got a few more years to serve, another 1,000 or so days. That reality put me back to work on my writing.

By the end of the day I advanced chapter six through page 258. Tomorrow morning, I will edit rather than write, but I’m still on track to finish this chapter next week.

I ran 10 miles this morning. My tally is now 2,039 miles over the past 230 consecutive days.

Prison Journal: Day 8,024

July 29, 2009

I’m grateful to the people who take time to write me after they read my work. I have a stack of envelopes from people who’ve read my book, Inside: Life Behind Bars, some of my other books, or articles that my wife publishes for me on our Web site. I’ve not been able to keep up with the correspondence, and I hope readers will give me a pass.

Receiving mail helps prisoners endure the separation from family and community. I know many prisoners at Taft Camp who stand around the officer as he passes out mail, and when they receive a letter from home, their faces light up. I know the joy, as I depend on the regular letters that Carole sends me to make it from one visiting day to the next.

Now, I’m in the midst of writing this new manuscript for Earning Freedom, and the project receives all of my attention. I’ve been in prison for so long that I know the necessity of discipline. I need to write every day, for  many hours each day, because I deem this manuscript a worthwhile endeavor that will add value to society, and to my family.

As a prisoner, even in a minimum-security camp as pleasant as Taft, I know that anything can happen. To ensure that surprises don’t interrupt my progress, I prioritize, meaning I devote my working energy to writing the manuscript and keeping current with my daily blogging journal.

This morning I began writing at 2:24 am, and by the time I put my work away, I advanced chapter six to page 249. I’m still waiting to receive some of my earlier chapters in the mail for editing. Until they come, I’ll continue this work on chapter six.

I ran 10 miles this morning, boosting my running tally to 2,029 miles over the past 229 consecutive days.

Prison Journal: Day 8,023

July 28, 2009

I’m grateful to have received a loving letter from my mother in today’s mail. These 22 years that I’ve served have been difficult on her, and I’m sensitive to her pain, to her feeling of separation from me, her only son. I’ve spent my entire sentence in various federal prisons, all of which were more than 1,000 miles away from her. We have not visited more than a dozen times in all these years, and telephone restrictions mean that we don’t talk. This separation of mothers and sons, of sisters and brothers, of husbands and wives isn’t normal. Yet after all these years, it’s the only life I know.

I’m sure that I’ll be released within four years, though I know release could come, theoretically, in three years or less. What will I return to? Others may not understand, but I truly feel alone in the world. I have Carole, my incredible wife whom I love with every breath, and who serves every day of this sentence with me voluntarily. Everyone else feels so far away, a lifetime away.

It won’t be long before I will have taken more breaths in prison than I took in freedom. That’s very strange, a distinction of questionable value, and one that I expect few other people can relate to. Oh well. These consequences follow the bad decisions I made during the recklessness of youth.

I spent several hours editing, reading, editing, and reading again. I’m very pleased with the improvements others helped me make to chapter two. I’m going to write tomorrow on chapter six, and likely return to editing on Thursday.

This morning I ran 10 miles. My tally is now 2,019 miles over the past 228 days. The health services department also renewed my allergy pills for 30 days.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Prison Journal: Day 8,022

July 27, 2009

This morning, at 1:44 am, I carried my writing gear to the quiet room and sat to outline chapter six of my new manuscript, Earning Freedom. When I write “Chapter Six,” I know that I mislead readers, as that doesn’t sound as if I’ve written much. but I began page 238 this morning, and by the time I put my work away in the afternoon, I had written through page 242.

It’s very fulfilling for me to write this manuscript. Since I write every sentence in longhand, sometimes three or four times a day, when I complete six pages it’s really equivalent to writing 18 to 24 pages. I’m hoping to find a wide readership with this book, as readers from around the world ought to know about long-term imprisonment.

My editing responsibilities will require my attention for the next several days, I suspect. That means I will not resume writing chapter six in earnest until next week. I may write a few pages here and there, but I’m expecting to receive drafts of chapter four and five in the mail, and those will require several hours of work as well.

I’m grateful for this project. Sometimes I get so into the work that I forget I’m writing about a time much earlier in my sentence. I have to step out of the moment, as I sometimes feel the weight of my sentence, as if I have to serve all those years again. I’m glad to set the work aside and remember that I’m now within four years of my release.

I ran 10 miles this morning, boosting my running tally to 2,009 miles over the past 227 consecutive days.

Prison Journal: Day 8,021

July 26, 2009

A sad reality of prison life is that the rules limit us to 300 telephone minutes per month. With my writing, my preparations for release, and Internet projects, I feel obligated to reserve all of my phone minutes for Carole, who coordinates my interactions with society. A consequence of this choice is that I feel estranged from my mother and my sisters.

We’ve had news here about e-mail services that the prison will make available to the prisoners of Taft Camp. Prisoners in several other camps already have access to e-mail and from what I’ve heard it’s a wonderful system. We will have to pay a nominal fee to use the e-mail system, but we will not have to suffer the ridiculous limitations that block us from telephone and visiting access. I’m really optimistic about the e-mail program, as once it comes, I’ll be able to build closer connections with my mom and my sisters.

This morning I resumed my work on chapter 5 at 3:12 AM. I wrote through page 233, then went outside to exercise. After finishing my run, I returned to my writing, and by 3:00 in the afternoon I had reached page 236 of the manuscript, concluding the first draft of chapter five. I spent the remainder of the afternoon writing letters to professors who have invited me to speak at their universities upon my release.

I ran 10 miles this morning. My running tally is now 1,999 miles over the past 226 days.

Prison Journal: Day 8,020

July 25, 2009

When I go outside to the track each morning, nearby mountains still block the sun. I take off my shirt because even before six, the temperature approaches 80 degrees. I take my first steps of the long run, and I feel some comfort as I hear the crunch of gravel and dirt beneath my sneakers. As I take my first loop of the track, I see two familiar friends. They are the dogs of Taft Camp, known affectionately to all as Molly and Goldie.

My wife, Carole, has a black-tri Australian Shepherd. Although I’ve never met her dog, Gabe, Carole has sent me photographs of him. The dog we call Molly looks a lot like Gabe’s picture, and I always think of seeing Carole with her dog as I come closer.

The dogs sit majestically on the far end of the track, side-by-side, both facing the mountain where they expect to see the sun rise. They remain there, with their paws outstretched, their belly on the ground, and their heads held high, proud, alert as they watch for the sun to rise. Taft Camp must not be so bad, as is evidenced by these two beautiful dogs that stay here with us voluntarily, keeping us all company.

This morning I woke at 1:50 to resume my work on chapter five. I thought I would finish writing the chapter today, but I only made it through page 229 of the manuscript. Tomorrow I ought to finish a first draft of the chapter.

I ran 10 miles, boosting my running tally to 1,989 miles over the past 225 days.

Prison Journal: Day 8,019

July 24, 2009

Friday, 24 July 2009

I’m so grateful for my Friday visits with Carole. If I were a better writer I’d be able to help readers understand why my time with her is so valuable. The joy begins in earnest for me on Wednesdays. As I’m running around the track in the morning, I’m relieved to know that my time with her is coming in only two days. When I wake on Thursdays, I’m eager to resume my writing and get my exercise in, because I know the next morning when I wake, I’ll have only hours to wait before we kiss.

Today I woke at 1:44, and soon after I resumed my work on chapter five. I wrote through page 223 of the manuscript, I then went outside to run five miles, bringing my tally to 1,979 miles over the past 224 days. At 7:00 I reported to pill call for the allergy tablet, then I returned to the unit and prepared for my visit.

I don’t know what it’s going to feel like when I’m released, when visiting won’t come on a weekly schedule. Other prisoners at Taft Camp don’t care so much about visiting, and I can relate to their apprehensions. Earlier in my journey, I went through stages where I’d pass seasons, sometimes as long as a year without visiting. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have welcomed an embrace from family, but I had a mindset that served me well at the time. I obsessed over the goals I set, the educational credentials I wanted to earn, the projects I deemed necessary and integral to my prospects for success. Since I couldn’t control visiting possibilities, I focused on my work.

Now I’m so much closer to my release that I’m obsessing over the preparations I must make. Carole plays an essential role in my release plans, so I need every minute possible with her. We only have Fridays available to us now, but soon I will be home and have a life to share with her. That inspires me. The thought of such a possibility gets me up early each morning, it keeps me motivated to run without a break.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Prison Journal: Day 8,018

July 23, 2009

During my sick call appointment this morning, the nurse wrapped a band around my arm to check my blood pressure. She told me the reading was 128 over 72. My pulse, she said, was 54 beats per minute, which she said was low. She asked whether I exercise regularly, then said my vitals were fine when I told her my running schedule.

Up until this past year, I never attended sick call procedures. The need for allergy pills requires that I go now, and it’s probably good that I do so I can keep these records of my pulse and blood pressure.

This morning I read an article about the high expectations industry watchers have for electronic publishing. Amazon’s Kindle will soon have a competitor from Barnes and Noble. Those devices may generate billions of dollars in publishing revenues. My work, I think, will sell well in this arena, and once I finish the manuscript for Earning Freedom, I expect to write new content specifically for this market. I want to have a lot of content ready for distribution upon my release.

An acquaintance asked whether I will continue this writing schedule after I finish Earning Freedom. I expect to continue this schedule until administrators release me from this sentence. I will go to bed before six each evening, and begin working between 1:00 and 3:00 every morning. Today I began at 1:17, and by the time I put my work away, I wrote through page 220 of the manuscript.

I ran 10 miles in the morning. My running tally is now 1,974 miles over the past 223 days.

Tomorrow I’m visiting with the lovely Carole, and I’ve been thinking about the kiss we’ll be able to share at the start and finish of our visit. Those thoughts have carried me through the day.

Prison Journal: Day 8,017

July 22, 2009

I ran 10 miles in the morning, bringing my running tally to 1,964 miles over the past 222 days. Then I attended a TOAD meeting for our youth outreach program, and I’ve spent the rest of the day writing. When I wake tomorrow morning, I’ll feel good about being only one day away from kissing my wife. I miss Carole, because writing about these early years of my imprisonment remind me of how much she means to me, and how fortunate I am to have her love.

Despite not having medicine for these allergies, and still struggling with a bit of lightheadedness, I had a productive day. I began at 1:30 this morning, as I usually feel the least amount of dizziness in the very early morning. Since I was in bed at 5:10 yesterday afternoon, I had plenty of rest. I’ve learned to block out the noise and disturbance of dormitory living, for the most part. I do look forward to living in a residence that I share with my wife only, though after so many decades of imprisonment, I have trouble imagining such a life.

I wrote through page 212 of the manuscript. That was productive, as I had a particularly sensitive scene to describe, and I had to work through it for awhile. I’m hoping that Carole, my first reader, thinks the story comes through okay. This writing project certainly carries me through these long days I spend each week without her.

I just spoke to another prisoner who has been incarcerated about 20 years. We were confined together in a USP during the early 1990s, though we adjusted very differently then. He’s released in one month. Someday, I know release will come for me. I’ll be ready.

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