Prison Journal: Day 7,955
May 21, 2009
This morning I heard a news report about an attempted act of terrorism in New York. The news report indicated that the terrorists had been recruited by militant groups in American prisons. This news disturbed me, though, sadly, I did not find it surprising. I feel strongly that our country’s prison system presents a threat to the national security.
When I was confined in higher-security prisons, I had to live among many hateful men. I chose not to watch television or movies because the groups were so vocal about their animosity to the United States. These were American prisoners, but they erupted in anger when law enforcement stormed that fortress in Waco, Texas; and they cheered Timothy McVeigh and his crew when the news came out about the bombing in Oklahoma. On September 11, some prisoners sided with the terrorists.
The prison system’s policy of extinguishing hope made fertile ground for militant groups with hateful ideologies to recruit. Even in minimum-security camps, a sense of resentment exists within some groups. As a prisoner, I’ve frequently felt unsafe at having to live in the midst of people who do not share my patriotism for this country.
With 2.3 million people incarcerated in our country, I think leaders ought to consider the wisdom of policies that extinguish hope for so many. Too many hateful groups recruit inside prison boundaries, and that presents a threat to our national security. When I heard the news report this morning about the terrorists who were apprehended in New York, I instantly thought back to all the hate groups that congregated regularly inside boundaries that one time locked me inside.
I remind myself that I have only a few more years of living inside this abnormal world of prison. I am so eager to get out, to begin living with my wife and feeling like an American rather than a prisoner.
This morning I began writing at 3:20. I finished an article for PrisonTalk.com about disciplinary infractions. I then ran 10 miles, followed that with a medicine ball workout and 300 push ups. My tally is now 1,422 miles over the past 160 days.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,954
May 20, 2009
At 2:37 this morning I gathered my writing gear and walked toward the quiet room where I work. On my way, I passed by cubicle number ten, where my friend Justin Paperny was assigned. I saw that he was looking at his watch. It was a big day for him and his family, as he had completed his time as a prisoner.
I didn’t acknowledge Justin. We had said our farewells and wished each other luck yesterday afternoon. He knew that I woke early every morning to write, but I told him to walk past me as I did not want to cloud my thoughts with longings for release.
In the room where I wrote in the morning, I sat in front of a large window. Since the sun had not yet risen, the darkness outside resulted in the window reflecting the movements in the hallway outside the room behind my back. At 3:15, I saw the reflection of Justin carrying his mattress to a storage area. He was ready to walk out. I kept focus on my work, trying to ignore the mixed emotion of seeing another friend go home.
Just before 4:00 this morning, I saw movement outside the window. Justin was carrying two boxes, walking away from the housing unit toward the camp’s exit. The guards had unlocked the doors for him, and soon he was out. I wondered what it must feel like to walk out of prison and into the free world. Someday I’ll know, but for now, the concept of liberty still feels surreal to me. Most of the time my release date feels close. When a friend goes home, and I don’t make many friends in prison, release can feel very far away. That is when I miss my wife the most, and it’s painful.
The emotions disrupted my writing. At 6:00 I went outside to run. After 10 miles, my tally advanced to 1,412 miles over the past 159 consecutive days. In the afternoon I read news magazines and wrote a few letters. I decided that I would resume my other writing projects tomorrow. I’m glad that I will visit with Carole on Friday.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,953
May 19, 2009
My friend Justin Paperny is being released tomorrow. We’ve been serving time together since he arrived at Taft Federal prison camp in late April of last year. Prior to his self-surrender, Justin worked as a stockbroker at Bear Stearns and then UBS. His conviction was the result of an unfortunate decision he made in an out-of-character moment. I enjoyed the time we served together, and although I’m happy that he soon will return to his supportive family, I’m going to miss his company.
That is the nature of imprisonment. We make friendships that frequently expire with release dates. Mine is not scheduled for another four-plus years, though with parole and halfway house consideration, I do not expect to serve three more full years. Some days my release date feels closer, as if forces are working behind the scenes in my favor. Still, close or far, it’s crucial that I suppress thoughts about when release will come. My focus must remain on the essential preparations I need to complete.
My sentence resembles a marathon, and I’m now in the final stretch. With more than 80 percent of my prison time behind me, I need to modify my adjustment through these final months – or years – of my confinement. I don’t expect that I will invest much energy in building close friendships with other prisoners, as I need to focus total concentration on my work and the strategies I will employ to triumph over the obstacles that await me.
The important projects require that I write. I must continue creating content that has the possibility of opening new opportunities. Today I began work at 2:45. I finished my edit and expansion of the chapter I wrote for Professor Joan Petersilia.Tthe chapter now exceeds 10,000 words, and I hope it meets her needs. If not, I will make adjustments as she directs. Today’s mail brought an invitation for me to make another contribution to my mentor George Cole’s book on corrections. I also must write my weekly article for PrisonTalk.com
At 6:00 this morning I ran 10 miles. I followed my run with 300 pushups. This run brings my tally to 1,402 miles over the past 158 consecutive days.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,952
May 18, 2009
Monday, 18 May 2009
Today I met a prisoner who returned to confinement in less than one year from the time he was released. He told me that he returned to prison on account of due to his not being able to find suitable employment. In prison, he said, he would enjoy three meals each day, a place to sleep, clothing, and peace of mind.
I read the papers and news magazines, so although I have not been free, I have an idea of the economic crisis through which so many Americans struggle. I’ve often thought that if unemployment approaches 10 percent for ordinary Americans, it must exceed 50 percent for those with a prison record.
I continue to write on the chapter for Professor Joan Petersilia’s book. She sent a message that the chapter pleased her, then offered me more space to elaborate on seven separate issues. This project makes me feel as if I am contributing to the world, and that is a big deal for me.
My life has, at times, felt alienated from society. Every day I’m trying to work my way closer. I can identify with that childhood story about the wooden puppet aspiring to become a boy. I have lived as a prisoner for so long that I cannot fully imagine myself living in the world. The time approaches, and the responsibility is mine to ensure I am ready.
Today I ran 10 miles, lifting my tally to 1,392 miles over the past 157 consecutive days.
Prison Journal: Day 7,951
May 17, 2009
President Obama delivered the commencement address to the graduating class at Notre Dame University. I did not hear his speech, but as I walked by one of the television rooms I saw his image on the screen. As he was speaking, I thought for a moment about a commencement speech that a former Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court gave to a graduating class from Pace University, in New York.
I did not listen to Justice Buger’s speech either, but I read the text from the speech in a book many years ago. The title of the speech was “Factories with Fences,” and Justice Burger delivered it in the mid-1980s, around the same time that my prison term began.
The reason that speech stuck with me through all those years was that I found it so encouraging, giving me rise so much optimism. Justice Burger called upon those young university graduates to work toward prison reform. It may have been a peculiar speech for a conservative justice to deliver, as America was then embarking on an imprisonment binge that would quadruple prison population levels. Though a line I read from that speech really inspired the adjustment that has carried me through so many years. He called for prison reforms that would allow prisoners to work toward “Earning and learning their way to freedom.”
As Supreme Court Justice, he did not have the capacity to usher in such reforms. That task had to fall to legislators. They were the only body that could reform laws. In all the years that have passed since Justice Burger delivered his speech, however, the only legislative reforms with regard to the prisons have made the system more onerous.
I don’t expect President Obama spoke about prison reform today. So many problems confront our country right now that the 2.3 million people locked inside prison boundaries do not merit much attention. Upon my release I intend to give a voice to this issue. As Senator Jim Webb said, I too believe our prison system represents “a national disgrace.” I intend to work toward reforms that will help more of my fellow prisoners emerge as law-abiding contributing citizens. As Justice Burger did, one forum I will pursue to launch this cause will be university speeches.
Today I began my writing at 2:47 AM. At 6:00 I went outside to run. After 10 miles, I now have 1,382 miles logged over the past 156 consecutive days. Following my run I strength trained with 150 pushups and a medicine ball workout. I then returned to my writing.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,950
May 16, 2009
I had a difficult time sleeping last night. That is not a problem I have too often. My visit with Carole went really well yesterday, though the news she shared about support I was receiving from people in the world really influenced my equanimity. I don’t know how long this is going to last.
After our visit, I returned to my housing unit and I read through the mail. By 5:00 PM I lay on my rack. My eyes felt especially heavy though I could not sleep. I closed them and simply thought. I thought about what my life will be like when I am not a prisoner. I can’t fully think about being free, so I’m gradually preparing myself by imagining what it will feel like to live with some kind of supervision, though not as a prisoner.
I am 45 now. I have a master’s degree though I would have liked to have earned either a PhD or a law degree. As I lay on my rack last night, I thought about finishing another degree program. Then I came to the conclusion that I am too old for such ambitions. If I were to walk out of prison in three years, two years, or even one year, I would need to begin working. I need to begin accumulating resources that will allow Carole and me to own a home. We are poor. I cannot afford to work through three to four more years of school and accumulate tens of thousands in tuition debt. I must sacrifice such fantasies, just as I’ve had to realize that I will never be a father. Even if I were to walk out of prison this year, the context of prison will always be a part of my life.
I have to become okay with this reality. To find happiness, or to create happiness, I feel strongly that I must make the most of what I have. This means, I believe, that I must take factors into consideration such as my age, my family’s needs, my earning capacity over the remainder of my working years, and the challenges that may continue to hang over my head as a consequence of the bad decisions I made in my early twenties.
Those thoughts interrupted my sleep. I woke numerous times. At 2:27 I hopped down from my rack and gathered my gear to write. Since I cannot allow myself to dwell on the challenges that I may face upon release, I thank God for the blessings Carole and I receive. Then I set to work on preparing for the day I will walk out of prison.
At 6:00 I went to exercise. I ran 10 miles and followed with 300 pushups. My running tally is now 1,372 miles over the past 155 consecutive days.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,949
May 15, 2009
After 28 days without a visit, I felt wonderful when I was able to hold Carole in my arms today. The last time I saw her before today was on her birthday, April 17. We had agreed to suspend our visits for a while in order to allow her to work some extra shifts. The heavy work load that I assigned myself during that time eased our time apart, though I am happy to resume our schedule of regular weekly visits.
Carole and I were not scheduled to visit until next Friday. Sometimes news develops in our prison family that we cannot discuss of the telephone. When that happens, we’re grateful for these opportunities to sit across from each other under the bright lights of the visiting room.
I received an invitation to speak at Stanford University. People who don’t know the struggle of imprisonment might wonder why such news would please me so much. It is because I live without such affirmation. Since 1987, the prison administratorrs who evaluate me have told me time and again that I am a prisoner, a criminal, an undesirable. They have told me that I could not earn university credentials, that I could not publish books, that I could not marry the woman I love. I may have overcome some obstacles, though it has always been through a force of will, through tremendous struggle, and most importantly, with the grace of God. Those who classify, evaluate, and judge me, however, make it clear that as a prisoner, I am not worthy. Yet, mentors I respect have invested time, energy, and their reputation in both meaningful and measurable ways to express support for my work. That is tremendously uplifiting and validating for me.
Before our visit I was able to complete some writing projects. I began my work at 2:30. At 6:00 I ran five miles, bringing my tally to 1,362 miles over the past 154 days. I followed the run with a 20 minute workout using the medicine ball.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,948
May 14, 2009
Twelve days ago, on May 3, I edited the first sample chapter I had written for Earning Freedom for the fourth time. I could tell from the reaction in Carole’s voice that she did not like it so much. I read it to a friend of mine here in the prison and he asked whether I would write more about my personal background in subsequent chapters. I told Justin that I did not intend on doing so, and I could see in his face that he would have liked to have read such details.
That Sunday morning, I went to my locker and pulled out some notes that Carol, one of my mentors had sent from a previous manuscript. In those notes, Carol called for the same details. I resisted her suggestions then and that led to my suspension of work on the manuscript.
On that morning of 3 May, however, I began to feel uneasy with the sample chapter. That was what prompted me to start again. This new version that I completed on Tuesday is much more personal. I tell the story in the first person, active tense. After completing the first draft, I felt grateful to my wife, to Justin, and to my mentor for inspiring me to write another version.
Since the new sample chapter is different, I also had to write an entirely new outline and book proposal. I began that work yesterday morning and after many hours of work, I’m glad to have finished it this evening. The best news is that both my wife and my friend Justin loved the new version, and I like it much better as well. Once Carole types it, I’ll edit it one time, then send the 70-page document to Carol, my mentor, for her reaction. I hope to submit the new proposal to Jim, the literary agent who represents my work, by the end of June.
With these new drafts of the sample chapter and proposal for Earning Freedom complete, I’m somewhat free until I receive typed pages back from Carole next week. She has told me over the phone that Joan Petersilia would like me to expand the chapter I wrote for her upcoming book and written instructions may come in tomorrow’s mail. George Cole, another mentor, has sent word through Carole that he would like me to write a chapter for his book, American Corrections, and I look forward to receiving more news on the conitrbutions I can make. My writing schedule will be full through the end of this year.
I began my work this morning at 2:37. At 6:00 I broke for my exercise. I ran 10 miles and followed with 300 pushups. My tally is now 1,357 miles over the past 153 consecutive days of running.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,947
May 13, 2009
I don’t make too many friends in prison. Throughout the decades I’ve served, I’ve conditioned myself to serve time alone, interacting with no more than one or two of my fellow prisoners on a daily basis. I find more peace in solitude, as it feels disconcerting when friends I make go home. Next week at this time, my friend Justin Paperny will return to his community near Los Angeles.
Justin was a former stockbroker at UBS who served a bit longer than a year at Taft Camp. He pleaded guilty to a single count of securities fraud, and we met soon after he arrived. Justin was assigned to the same housing unit as mine, and we spent a lot of time together. I met his wonderful mother in the visiting room, his father, his brother, and several of his close friends, including Brad Fullmer and Sam Pompeo. The past year advanced quickly, as we created a small community here.
During the time that Justin was here, we ate together most every day, and we worked at the same table in one of the unit’s quiet rooms. I introduced Justin to the therapeutic relief that comes through writing, and I worked with him as he prepared his memoir, Lessons From Prison.
Upon his release, Justin expects to launch a new career as a speaker and consultant. He aspires to help others make better decisions, and I applaud his efforts. I look forward to seeing him again upon my release, though that liberty may not come for three to four more years.
I know that he is enthusiastic for his release, and I feel happy for him. As I move through these final years of my sentence, I expect to serve my time alone, relying only on the written word and visits from my wife to keep my focus. This is the end, the final miles of my marathon, and I cannot afford to take my mind off the task at hand. That requires a total investment of my energy in preparations for release. I’m on it.
This morning I began my work at 2:40. I spent the day working on the proposal for the new book. After several hours, I completed the outline for a 105,000 word manuscript. Now I must work on the proposal itself. I enjoy this work.
I ran at 6:00 AM. With today’s 10 miles, my tally now stands at 1,347 miles over the past 152 consecutive days. I’m running home.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,946
May 12, 2009
Earlier this season I had the privilege of participating in an academic project with students from the criminal justice program at California State University in Long Beach. The participants in the program are studying toward careers in some form of law enforcement. Some of the students will pursue careers with police departments, probation agencies, or prisons. I felt honored to contribute.
The students study under Professor Sam Torres. Dr. Torres assigned some of my writings as course work. The students wrote me with reactions to my work and asked questions. My responsibility in participating required that I write about 100 pages worth of respones to the student questions.
I enjoyed participating in the project because it gave me an opportunity to provide these future law enforcement officers with description of prison from the perspective of a long-term prisoner. Those who have an interest may follow the interaction I had with the university students here on the blog, as we published all the questions and responses.
In today’s mail I received several of the term papers the students wrote in response to this class assignment. I felt proud to have made a contribution to the education of these students and look forward to making further contributions in the future. I think it is important for citizens to understand more about America’s prison system, and I consider it my duty to express what I’ve experienced and learned from others.
This morning I resumed work on the manuscript at 2:40. I wrote until 6:00, at which time I went outside to exercise. At 8:00 I had an appointment with health services for some type of TB test. Then I continued writing until 5:00 in the afternoon. I sent home the final pages of this version’s draft.
With today’s 10-mile run, my tally now stands at 1,337 miles over the past 151 consecutive days of running.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Subscribe
