Prison Journal: Day 7,965
May 31, 2009
I heard a rumor here at Taft Camp that I find disturbing. I don’t know whether there is truth behind it, and I won’t explore it further than writing about my frustrations concerning the rumor on this journal entry. What I heard concerns access to visiting and telephone. The rules of Taft prison camp limit each prisoner to 300 minutes of telephone time per month, and they also limit prisoners to a maximum of one visit per week. Rumor has it, however, that senior administrators at Taft Camp award extra telephone minutes and visiting time each month to at least one inmate.
I am all for incentives, and justice would persuade administrators at Taft Camp to authorize meaningful incentives for all prisoners. The incentive policy should be transparent. Individuals who abide by the established rules and make contributions to the prison community or the broader society beyond prison boundaries ought to earn the incentives. When administrators erect obstacles that block the majority of prisoners from nurturing family and community ties, but grant pet inmates more telephone and visiting privileges, they do not further the interest of transparent leadership. Instead, they breed anger and cynicism.
Numerous academic studies have shown that those prisoners who maintain strong family and community ties represent the most likely group to succeed upon release. As Senator Jim Webb said, our criminal justice system is a national disgrace. One reason that prison policies upset me is that despite such research, administrators erect these obstacles like telephone and visiting limitations. If the rumors that I have heard at Taft Camp are true, administrators make allowances for pet inmates to get around the limitations while the rest of us suffer. These are the reasons our criminal justice system is a national disgrace. If administrators are going to offer incentives, they should offer the incentives in a transparent way so that all prisoners can work toward earning them.
This morning I began my work at 2:37. I wrote through page 82 on the manuscript. At 6:00 I went outside to exercise. I ran 10 miles, then followed the run with 250 push ups. My running tally now stands at 1,500 miles over the past 170 consecutive days.
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,964
May 30, 2009
My wife is moving today. I’ve tried to count, but I don’t know for sure how many times my wife has moved during the many years she has devoted her life to me. I know that moving can induce stress, though Carole accepts the challenge without much complaint. She stays true to our plan, which requires us both to do whatever is necessary to prepare for my release.
Carole has been living in Lompoc since 2006. She moved there to ease our visits and remained there until she finished the first part of her nursing school. We contemplated a move to the Taft area of Bakersfield when I transferred to Taft Camp in 2007, but with limited access to visiting, the move did not make sense.
As the schedule stands, Carole and I expect that I will return to society within three years. We base that expectation on my parole eligibility and my anticipated halfway house placement. Since we plan to launch my career in the Los Angeles area, Carole chose to move to Southern California. We’re hoping this move will be the last one she needs to make without me.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with such a supportive wife. Carole did not commit a crime, but her love necessitates that she serve this sentence alongside me. I look forward to my release, when I’ll begin the lifetime commitment of showing Carole how I appreciate her love. I look forward to writing about how much she means to me in my new manuscript, Earning Freedom.
This morning I wrote through page 78. At 6:00 I went outside to exercise. I followed an eight-mile run with 150 push ups. I spent the afternoon writing correspondence, and before sleeping, I was reading through the Biblical book of Samuel.
My running tally now stands at 1,490 miles over the past 169 consecutive days.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,963
May 29, 2009
Last night’s mail brought me a new dictionary that I asked Carole to order for me. It’s the Oxford edition, based on the famous multi-volume Oxford English Dictionary. The book is large, taking up too much space in my locker. I made room for it, as I really enjoy this kind of book and I want it with me. It helps efforts to build my vocabulary.
Carole insists that once I come home I will not have a need for such a book. She tells me that ample resources are available online and that once I start using those, I won’t want to waste time flipping through the pages of a big dictionary. I doubt that I’ll give up this habit of looking up new words. After all these years, the dictionary has become a real part of my life. I consult it several times each day, and it seems I’m always learning something new.
I resumed my writing this morning at 3:30 and I wrote to page 75. At six I went outside for my exercise, and I ran four miles. At seven I reported to health services to receive the morning allergy pill. It has reduced my dizziness, but the side effect is a bit of drowsiness. At least I’m able to power through the sleepy feeling. The dizziness stopped my concentration and thus interfered with my ability to write.
Carole arrived for our visit just before nine, but we were only able to stay together until 11:00. She didn’t feel well and I reluctnatly agreed to cut our visit short. After she left, I spent the afternoon in the libary writing a new article for the change.org website.
My running tally now stands at 1,492 miles over the past 168 days.
Friday, 29 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,962
May 28, 2009
I began writing well this morning, but dizziness struck again around 5:30. When the guards unlocked the housing unit at 6:00 I went outside to run. I finished 10 miles, boosting my tally to 1,478 miles over the past 167 days.
At 9:15 I had an appointment with the nurse. She recorded my vital statistics. My blood pressure was 124 over 72. My pulse was 59. And my oxygen saturation, whatever that means was 96 percent. The nurse said my health statistics were fine. She used a scope to look in my ears and and she said my ear drum was swollen and that I had accumulated fluid. It was the fluid, she said, that was causing my dizziness. She prescribed a medication that I heard her identify as CTM, which the nurse said would dry the fluid in my ear.
I took a tablet at 9:30 this morning, another tablet at noon, and I will take a third tablet at 5:00 PM. The tablets cause drowsiness that blocks my creativity. Thus I was not successful inwriting much more on the manuscript. I’m on page 73, though I feel as if I should have reached page 80 by now.
The nurse has prescribed his medication for me for three days. If it clears up my dizziness, it will be worth the interruption to my writing progress.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,961
May 27, 2009
Today would have been my father’s 74th birthday. He passed away five years ago on June 11, 2004. I had not spoken with my father since 1998, as he suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t carry on a conversation over the telephone. Traveling to visit me was not an option. The last time I saw my father was in 1994, when I was still confined in USP Atlanta.
Death is the natural extension of life, though the death of family members can feel difficult for those in prison. Besides my father, I’ve been saddened with the death of my grandfather and the death of two mentors who were close to me during the first decades of my imprisonment. I’ve never grieved properly for those deaths of people I love, as my prison adjustment brought the ancillary consequence of drying my emotions.
Besides my father’s birthday, today is also the birthday of my niece, Isabella. My younger sister Christina gave birth to Isabella 20 years ago, when I was in the early stages of this sentence. I learned about Isabella’s birth from a telephone call home, and I still remember the flood of tears that fell. It was the first confirmation I received that family life was going on without my inclusion. During my imprisonment I’ve visited with Isabella fewer than a dozen times, and I’m sad to acknowledge that I don’t even know the young lady she has become. I missed her childhood and I missed watching my sister mature as a wife and mother. Those losses of family connections represent the real pain of a lengthy prison term.
I don’t like losing work productivity; this dizzy sensation interrupted my writing progress today. I completed an article for PrisonTalk today that I titled Prepare For Release. My progress on the manuscript I’m writing doesn’t merit reporting. I reported for sick call and the nurse scheduled an appointment for tomorrow.
I did manage to continue my running. I ran 10 miles, boosting my tally to 1,468 miles over the past 166 days.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,960
May 26, 2009
I am grateful for the electronic messages people who read Inside: Life Behind Bars in America send, as well as for the comments and feedback that readers post when they come upon my website. As a federal prisoner, I have never been able to access the Internet. It did not exist when I began serving my sentence, and the federal prison camp in Taft, where I am currently confined, does not authorize e-mail service for prisoners. I rely upon my wife to print and send messages.
Today’s mail brought several messages that readers generously sent in support of my work. This news is really fulfilling to receive. Certainly, I know that family members of prisoners worry about their loved ones. I also know that those who anticipate a struggle with the criminal justice system suffer from anxiety over what separation from society will feel like. It pleases me to know that this work I do to reach beyond prison boundaries contributes to the lives of others. I even received a letter from Sean, a solider who bravely represents us overseas.
Some readers may be familiar with Nelson Mandela’s biography. I read A Long Walk to Freedom many years ago, as I identified with the 26-plus years he served in prison. Unlike me, Nelson Mandela never should have served a day in captivity, and it was only a wickedly unjust political system that resulted in his serving decades as a prisoner. His story inspired me. Similarly, I hope to use every day of my confinement to live as a testament to the human spirit.
The key to this equanimity, I think, is an undying commitment to focus on reconciling with society. I thirst to connect with my fellow citizens and to emerge from prison as a force for good. The new manuscript I’m writing, Earning Freedom, documents the challenges and strategies. Today I made good progress toward the completion of a second lengthy chapter. I find the work rewarding and look forward to sharing my progress as the project unfolds with readers.
I ran 10 miles this morning, boosting my tally to 1,458 miles over the past 165 days. I followed the run with 350 push ups.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,959
May 25, 2009
Today is Memorial Day, and I feel rejuvenated because Carole drove over to spend the day holding my hand. I feel so blessed to have Carole’s love, and every minute I share with her in a visit liberates me from confinement.
Prior to the tough-on-crime policies that really took hold during the Reagan years, I read that sentencing judges frequently gave young offenders a choice. The judges said offenders could sign up for military duty, or they could serve a prison term. The theory held that judges recognized people frequently made bad decisions in their late teens and early 20s. Rather than relegate a young man to the penitentiary, where the criminal influence was pervasive, the judge would provide the young offender with an opportunity to earn freedom through contribution to his country.
Had I been offered that opportunity to enlist in the military, I would have devoted myself to the privilege. By the time my jury convicted me, a deep remorse had set in. Military service was not an option in my case, though I feel strongly that such options yield far more justice and benefit society than lengthy prison terms. Whereas prison recidivism rates suggest that these institutions perpetuate continuing cycles of failure, America’s military breeds leadership, character, discipline, and other virtues that shape men into good citizens. I salute those in the military, and regret that I did not choose such an honorable path when I was a young man.
Carole and I are both very proud of her son, Michael, who soon will deploy for a lengthy tour in Iraq. As a soldier, Michael will serve our country while simultaneously developing skills that will translate into a sustainable career upon his return.
I empathize with those on military duty, as I know the pain that comes with separation from family. As a prisoner at least I am blessed with regular visits. I was happy to spend Memorial Day with my wife, and I say a prayer for all those in the military who did not enjoy such a gift today.
This morning, before my visit, I wrote some and I ran six miles. My tally now stands at 1,448 miles over the past 164 days.
Monday, 25 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,958
May 24, 2009
I knew that I could will myself back into good health. I slept early last night and I did not wake until 3:15. When I began writing it was 3:30, and I made excellent progress with the second chapter of this memoir I want to finish.
Ordinarily, I don’t continue writing the manuscript until I sign a publishing agreement. In this case, I really find the writing therapeutic. Now that my friend Justin is in the halfway house, I don’t have any close friends with whom I can share my work. It is just my writing and me, and this manuscript promises to carry me through several months.
I ran nine miles at six, though I did not follow with any strength training. My tally is now 1,442 miles over the past 163 days. The shorter distances may be giving my body the rest it needs to overcome whatever is causing the dizziness.
I spent the entire afternoon writing on the new chapter, and I feel good about the progress. I now am on page 60, which I estimate to translate into more than 15,000 words. This draft is advancing well, and by keeping up the progress, I feel confident that I can finish a draft before Thanksgiving. It comes with some sacrifice, however, as I’m not blogging as frequently, and my reading has fallen way behind.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,957
May 23, 2009
I have been blessed with excellent health throughout my imprisonment. That’s why I’m surprised to be suffering through intermittent dizziness here at Taft prison camp. My wife has some theories, and since she graduated first in her nursing class, I know that I should defer to her. Still, I am stubborn and I resist.
I wake each morning between 2:00 and 3:00 to begin my writing. At 6:00 I go outside for two hours of exercise. Then I return to my housing unit and work more on my writing, usually until 4:00 in the afternoon. I am in bed on most afternoons by 5:00, and always before 7:00. Thus as far as I’m concerned, I’m averaging more than eight hours of sleep each night. This abundance of rest seems sufficient to overcome the work schedule I impose upon myself. Yet the sensation of dizziness persists.
The dizziness does not manifest itself when I wake. I’m able to enjoy a few hours of productive work in solitude. It begins to bother me around 5:30 in the morning. The best case, I have found, has been exercise. Once I start running, I begin to feel better. She urges me to report to health services. I resist, however, as I have rarely requested assistance from health services. If this dizziness keeps up, though, I suppose I’ll have to go. I’m 45-years-old now, and although I feel both fit and strong, I must acknowledge that I’m well into middle age. We’ll see how I feel in the days to come. I still want to believe that I can will the feeling away.
Today I ran only five miles because I thought a rest might help. Tomorrow I’ll run a shorter distance, too. My tally stands at 1,433 miles over the past 162 days.
Saturday 23 May 2009
Prison Journal: Day 7,956
May 22, 2009
In last night’s mail I received the manuscript pages and the book proposal for Earning Freedom that Carole typed for me. This morning, at 3:15, I began my first read and edit. I am happy to have this project. The work will carry me through the remainder of this year. These purposeful steps serve multiple needs for me. By writing a new manuscript, I am able to sublimate some of the repressed emotions into a tangible product that has meaning; I am able to make clearly-defined progress; I am able to hold on to beliefs that when I finish, I will have created a book that contributes to society; and I am able to envision the ways that the work I do each day will facilitate my success upon release.
I’m also hopeful that through this work, I can motivate some of my fellow prisoners to write. I’ve met numerous men in prison who have said that they want to write a book. Certainly, I believe that every individual has a story to tell. The challenge is to write the story in a manner and style that will hold the attention of readers. For a writer like me, that effort requires many hundreds of hours.
More skillful writers have an easier time weaving words into sentences and paragraphs that flow easily. I find the creative effort therapeutic, though I do not find it easy. I am glad that I devoted my first decade of confinement to independent study programs, as the writing discipline those university courses required have prepared me well for the solitude of imprisonment.
I enjoyed a wonderful visit with my wife today. Since we did not visit during the first two weekends of May we’ll be able to visit on this coming Memorial Day holiday as well. We rarely enjoy those opportunities to share two days together in a single week, so this is a special weekend for us. I feel grateful for every second I get to spend with Carole, as when her hand is in mine, even under the bright lights of a prison visiting room, I feel freedom.
Before our visit I enjoyed a shorter exercise session. I ran six miles. The run lifted my tally to 1,428 miles over the past 161 days.
Friday, 22 May 2009
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