My 7,873rd Day in Federal Prison
February 28, 2009
Saturday, 28 February 2009
During my magnificent visit with Carole yesterday, she told me that I may be driving myself too hard. Since prison rules forbid us from spending more than one day a week together, and telephone limitations block us from talking much, our visits tend to feel concentrated. We share everything going on in our lives, as much as we can, during the six hours we share sitting beside each other under bright lights and watchful eyes of prison guards.
I was telling Carole that heartburn had been waking me at night. She knew that I slept and woke early, that I ran more than 60 miles each week, and that I devoted many hours to writing. As she listened to descriptions of the acidic taste that was disturbing my sleep, she began questioning me more about the symptoms. Her preliminary diagnosis was that I drove my body too hard. The stress on the body, she said, was manifesting itself. If I did not rest more, she said, I could develop an ulcer.
I work hard and strive to achieve goals because I feel a responsibility to prepare for my release. My sense is that I have a duty to use every minute available to advance my efforts and to make the best use of resources. I don’t feel stress. On the contrary. The more I set out to accomplish, the more empowered I feel. Pursuit of goals brings me an illusion of freedom and lessens the perceptions of being a helpless or weakened prisoner.
Although I didn’t feel stress, I had to respect my wife’s knowledge of science. I am proud of her ability to articulate the relationship of stress, acid, and ulcers. I love our story, and I love her. Carole is living, breathing proof that I have a real life waiting for me in the world. That is my inspiration to keep going.
In deference to Carole, I slept a little longer. I did not begin writing until 3:30 this morning. I had set a goal at the beginning of the month to write 100 blog articles and I wrote 110 blogs during February. At 8:00 this morning I went outside to run. After 10 miles, I lifted my tally to 712 miles over the past 78 consecutive days. Carole wanted me to ease up a bit, but I had set a goal of running 1000 miles before I would consider a rest. I compromised by sleeping a bit longer. I would also make a more concerted effort to moderate my food intake.
In the afternoon I began writing the first entry for the ethics category. I expect to finish that article tomorrow. In the late afternoon I sat to watch the evening news, but I got sucked into a movie with Denzel Washington, an actor whom I admire. That movie kept me awake until after seven. I finished reading Uncommon by Tony Dungy. Then I thanked God for all the blessings in my life, for my family, for Carole, for my peace. Then I pulled the beanie over my eyes to block out the bright lights above and slept.
My 7,868th Day in Federal Prison
February 27, 2009
Monday, 23 February 2009
I began reading this morning at 2:30. By 3:06 I sat in the quiet room with my reading gear and began to write my first blog article. I wrote until 6:00. I had a meeting scheduled with TOAD today, so I needed to finish both my writing and my exercise early. As usual, I ran 10 miles. It rained throughout my run, but the weather did not stop me from lifting my tally to 669 miles over the past 73 consecutive days.
Following my run I returned to the housing unit. I showered, shaved, and began preparing for the TOAD meeting. Our TOAD outreach program ordinarily travels out to schools in the Kern County area. Today we were preparing for a delivery inside the visiting room of Taft Camp. Rather than speaking to at-risk youth from the community, we were speaking with the children of TOAD members. Staff members were also scheduled to appear, and we were told that they may bring their children.
Although I do not have children, since the meeting was a family affair, I received permission to invite my wife, Carole. We have been together for longer than seven years, though Carole has never seen me speak in front of an audience. Speaking in front of audiences is an integral part of my life. I’ve created numerous speaking opportunities over the past 21 years, yet the only time a family member was authorized to attend a presentation where I would speak was in 1992, when I spoke at the commencement ceremony for my graduation from Mercer University. My sister, Julie, made the trip to see me.
I have been training to build a speaking career upon release for many years. Naturally, I’ve shared my aspirations with Carole. She has played an essential role in my preparations. Carole types volumes of work that I write, and during our regular visits, I share with her by rehearsing aspects of my presentations. For many years, I’ve looked forward to speaking with my wife in the audience. I felt happy that I would have such an opportunity today.
The staff sponsor made an extra effort to coordinate the meeting in the visiting room. Prison rules limited the time we would have. The family members were told to arrive by 11:00, and I expected the presentation would last just over one hour. We would reserve time for visiting after the presentation, and the staff was coordinating food for the event.
The presentation went well, and I describe it in a separate blog article entitled A Presentation For My Wife. Following the speeches by all the members of our group, we had an opportunity to mingle with others from the audience. A staff member’s comment upset me, but I did not reveal the umbrage I took at her remark. It was simply a part of the prison experience, and characteristic of the reasons I saw prisons as contributing to so much continuing failure.
I left the presentation with gratitude for the time I had to share with my wife. The staff member’s comment made me more eager to wash the filth of this prison experience from my life so I could begin living with Carole as a man rather than a prisoner.
My 7,872nd Day in Federal Prison
February 27, 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
This morning I woke at 2:00, but I decided not to get up so early. My wife was coming to visit me later in the morning. Since I wanted to feel well rested during the time we would share together, I pulled the beanie back down over my eyes and slept a bit longer.
For the past 20 years, all of my dreams have had a relationship to prison. This morning’s dream was no different. On this occasion, I was being released from prison. Carole was waiting to pick me up. When I walked out of the prison’s front lobby, I saw Carole step from her car and run to embrace me. We were more like young lovers than a couple in their late 40s, which was the age we would be when my release was scheduled. After our kiss, we sat in the car. But even in the dream, I couldn’t relax. I knew that I had been released from prison, though I kept telling Carole that the guards were watching me. She would ask me to touch her, and I said I couldn’t. Then I told her I had to get back in time for the count. I was glad to wake from the dream. I must not allow myself to feel those institutional pulls, regardless of how much time I serve.
I reported to the quiet room to begin writing at 3:07. I wrote five blog articles before 8:00 AM. The stock market was falling again, I saw on CNBC, with the S&P 500 dropping to 12-year lows. With high unemployment numbers, a contracting GDP that shrunk by more than 6 percent in the last quarter of 2008, and a crumbling housing market, I realized that many of the people who were releasing from prison would really struggle to find traction. With millions of Americans suffering, a felony conviction and prison record would certainly complicate chances to compete in a dismal job market. I know one prisoner who told me he was declining a six-month halfway house opportunity because he said he didn’t think that he would be able to find a job; the man preferred to stay in prison for an extra six months rather than try to function outside. I remain optimistic about my prospects upon release, regardless of what economic crisis awaits me. The preparations I’ve made give me confidence that I will find a niche through which I can add value. Yet as I watched news of how so many people were struggling, I realize that many challenges await me.
I ran a shorter distance today, as I waited for my wife’s visit. Three miles lifted my count to 702 miles over the past 77 days. This marks eleven weeks of running without a day off. I feel good about advancing toward my goal of 1000 miles.
Carole arrived just after nine and we enjoyed a magnificent day together. She told me about the new web programmers who were improving our blog. Although I have not seen the design, Carole said it would launch next week and that it would have many advanced features to help us broaden our reach. Since I consider the Internet such an integral part of the career I want to build upon release, I felt grateful to Carole for the time she was investing to make these improvements. I don’t have too much more time to serve, and I have to prepare. I an so blessed to have Carole in my life.
My 7,871st Day in Federal Prison
February 26, 2009
Thursday, 26 February 2009
As I grow older in prison, I notice biological changes in my body. I’m 45 now. Although I have exercised regularly throughout my 21-plus years in prison, I can sense that I do not run as fast and I am not as strong. I feel healthy overall, and at 174, I weigh the same as I did when I was first locked inside prison gates. But I feel changes. I don’t sleep as much. The most recent change has been heartburn that bothers me in the night. That had never been a problem for me before, but it is now.
Last night around midnight I woke with an acid taste in my mouth. I knew I couldn’t fall asleep again so I read for a while. I did fall asleep again at 1:00, and I didn’t climb down from my rack until 3:12. I wrote three blogs, then I finished the introduction on a new category I’m going to begin building on ethics. I’d like to expand my academic audience to include more business students. Also, by collecting stories from white-collar offenders, I will create more content from which I can draw when speaking to corporate audiences upon release. Every day brings opportunity for more preparations.
At 8:00 I went outside for exercise. I ran 10 miles wearing shorts but no shirt. The sun felt warm. My tally has lifted to 699 miles over the past 76 consecutive days. I incorporated strength training back into the routine, following my run with push-ups for the first time in several months. The soreness in my muscles was another sign of aging.
I spent the afternoon responding to readers of my work who had written me. I still am behind in this duty. My ability to keep up with correspondence has suffeed as a consequence of this rule that prohibits prisoners from using typewriters for anything besides interactions with the courts. The responsibility I feel to write new content for my web sites requires that I sacrifice time I used to devote to correspondence and reading. With my release date approaching, however, I feel as if I must make these preparations for the career I want to lead a high priority. Only my marriage comes above it.
I was happy to have received an invitation from the editor of Change.org to write a bi-weekly column. I will write original content for that site every other week. My hopes are that the writings will convince more readers to support my call for prison reform. I need to create a wider audience. Reaching out to write for other platforms may help. I’m grateful the editor has extended this opportunity. I’m also grateful to Josh, a recent graduate from Yale University who has begun assisting Carole and me with this project of influencing the need for prison reform. He has assisted Carole with typing duties, and I’m hoping that he will open new opportunities to reach a wider audience. I’d like to persuade media representatives to work with me on creating a video project, either for YouTube or a network broadcast. Josh will prove helpful with these efforts to influence the need for prison reform.
My 7,870th Day in Federal Prison
February 25, 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Despite staying awake a bit later than usual last night to watch President Obama’s speech to Congress, I woke this morning at 2:07. After reading a few pages I walked to the quiet room to begin writing. By six I finished writing five blog articles.
I went outside to run when the guards unlocked the doors. The temperatures were already warm enough for me to run in a T-shirt. In a few weeks I’d begin running while in shorts and shirtless, which I considered a privilege. In other prisons where I’ve been held the rules prohibited prisoners from exercising without shirts. Today I boosted my mileage tally to 689 miles over the past 75 days of conseuctive running with my usual 10-mile distance.
I met with the other members of the TOAD group at 8:00. The sponsor was not present but I relayed the news she had given me about the family-day meeting we had on Monday. The adminisrators liked our presentation so much that they were scheduling us to make a presentation for the entire staff and their guests. Our sponsor also told me that we’d have a second family day scheduled for the summer. The other members of the group were pleased to receive this news.
In the afternoon I attended a seminar on public speaking. The chaplain sponsored the seminar, and I appreciate the opportunity to attend. Wil Cason, a speaker from the San Francisco area, made the trip to Taft and spoke first to inmates confined inside the fences of the adjacent, low-security prison. In the afternoon, he spoke with those of us in the camp for 2 -1/2 hours. Wil’s presentation focused on strategies for becoming effective public speakers; his Web address is WilCason.com.
During all the years that I’ve been confined, I’ve read scores of books that motivational speakers and leadership coaches wrote, but I haven’t had many opportunities to sit as an audience member of someone who built his career around speaking. Since I have been training myself as best as I could for a similar career upon release, watching Wil’s engaging presentation was a treat.
He prepared a small workbook for each audience member, and he included the group by assigning exercises for us to work on together. Approximately 50 prisoners attended the presentation, so we only had time for a few to speak. I chose to observe rather than speak, as I speak regularly through the classes I lead at Taft Camp and through my participation in TOAD. By observing Wil’s seminar technique, I picked up some exercises that will help my presentation and my preparations for the career I want to lead upon release.
Every day brings room for more preparation. Although I may lack freedom, I have time to contemplate the obstacles that await my release. I appreciate these opportunities to learn new strategies for growth.
My 7,869th Day in Federal Prison
February 24, 2009
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
I woke this morning at 2:00. After reading for a bit, I brought my gear to the quiet room where I write. Another prisoner was sitting alone at the adjacent table with playing cards. On some early mornings, he sat at that table practicing a strategy he had for the game of Blackjack. I’ve known many people in prison whose idea of a plan for release was to develop a system for winning in Las Vegas. Some had strategies for winning dice games, for winning poker, and for winning Blackjack. One prisoner I knew convinced himself that he had a sure system for winning one state lottery game a year.
The men were trying to create something in short supply. Hope. With the difficult economy that Americans were suffering through in early 2009, prisoners who were about to release struggled with anxieties about how they could create stability for themselves in society. Unemployment rates were higher than they had been in our lifetime; for those coming out of prison, finding a job seemed an impossibility. That’s why some were trying to devise a life from somehow mastering games of chance.
I am much more inclined to prepare for release by mastering marketable skills and building upon my network of support. Those are the reasons I continue to wake early. Writing every day helps me feel as if I am improving upon my communication skills. I also enjoy the discipline, and the tangible results that come from creating new content about the prison experience.
My expectations are that the content I am creating would help others who are looking for information about how to endure a lengthy prison term. Besides those immediate benefits that come from making contributions to society, I know that a digital library will assist my speaking career in years to come. I will use it to help explain the focused, deliberate strategy I’ve used to thrive through 25 years in prison.
I wrote four blog articles before seven. Then I ran 10 miles in sunny, spring-like temperatures. My tally has lifted to 679 miles over the past 74 consecutive days. I do not know what challenges will confront me upon release, but I intend to conquer them as a consequence of these deliberate adjustment strategies I have made. Chance is not playing a part in my preparations for release.
In the afternoon I began writing the introductory section for a new category I’m creating on ethics. Last week I had a meeting with Professor Jana Schrenkler from St. Mary’s University in Minnesota. She told me about the need for more content in the area of ethical developments. As a consequence of my being incaracerated with so many men who formerly led businesses, I’m in a unique position to gather data that academics and coprorations may use as teaching resources.
In the evening I forced myself to stay awake long enough to listen to President Obama’s speech to the houses of Congress. I felt optimistic about his claim to have identified $2 trillion in wasteful spending on programs that didn’t work. I hoped he identified the absurdity of locking nonviolent offenders in prisons for decades as a waste. He also spoke a lot about reforms and incentives. Those are two concepts I hope leaders will apply to our nation’s prison system.
My 7,867th Day in Federal Prison
February 22, 2009
Sunday, 22 February 2009
I woke this morning at 2:30 and began by reading. After the census count cleared at 3:05, I gathered my dictionary and notebook to begin writing in the quiet room. My work assignment in the prison requires that I clean the quiet room. It’s a janitorial job, and a good fit for me. I sweep the concrete floor, mop it, and organize the tables and chairs. I have the job because all prisoners must work somewhere, and seniority in prison is a likely reason for my having this job. I spend a lot of time with my pen writing in the quiet room.
Today was another productive work session. I’ve written so many pages this weekend that I’m worried about my wife’s typing schedule. I called to warn her about how much work I’ve been generating. I suggested that she find someone to assist her with the typing and other chores associated with sending my writings into the blogosphere.
What I really need is an intern who would have time and skills to help. I may have been fortunate enough to have found someone. I’ve been building a correspondence with Josh, a young man who recently graduated from Yale. We came into contact because he had relied upon some of my work when he was writing one of his term papers at the university. He has since graduated, moved out to Hollywood, and has begun the challenge of trying to build a career as a screenwriter.
I wrote Josh a letter asking for his assistance and he responded with enthusiasm. Like me, he has an interest in prison reform. One of my writing projects today was sending Josh a letter describing the type of work I needed help in coordinating. As a prisoner, I have huge obstacles and I need help. I’d like Josh to coordinate with my wife, Carole, on steps we can take to expand our reach.
By 8:00 this morning I had completed four blog articles, one of which was a lengthy piece on the process of sentence commutations. Then I went to the track. I ran 10 miles, lifting my tally to 659 miles over the past 72 consecutive days. As a consequence of my not visiting with Carole this past Friday, I was able to run 10 miles each day this week. Although I find a sense of empowerment when I run 70 miles in a given week, I prefer the visits with my wife.
I also wrote in the afternoon. I finished an author bio for the manuscript on which I’ve been collaborating as a ghost writer. I also wrote letters to professors who have been helpful to me. One was a former warden at a prison in Michigan who now uses my work to teach criminal justice courses. Another, Dr. Sam Torres, was a former U.S. probation officer who now serves as professor of criminal justice at California State University.
Before gathering my things to go lie down, I wrote a letter to my wife. It is important that I keep these feelings of romance alive. As a prisoner, I’m not able to touch my wife every day, so it’s really important that I express my love for her with words.
My 7,865th Day In Federal Prison
February 21, 2009
Friday, 21 February 2009
I began my morning at 2:30. After reading, I wrote four blog articles. Besides my journal, I enjoy this work of interacting with the students at California State University. They are studying criminal justice, expecting to build careers in law enforcement. Some will work as correctional officers, some will become probation officers, and others will pursue jobs as police officers. I appreciate the opportunity to contribute to their understanding of the system.
As a consequence of the writing I’ve done over the course of my confinement, I’ve been able to communicate with tens of thousands. To me, it feels as if I have a duty to share my observations and experiences. They convince time that we need prison reform to encourage more prisoners to pursue law-abiding lives upon release. I am hopeful that this work I am doing to document the time I’ve served as a prisoner will lead to improvements in America’s prison system, and in the lives of my fellow citizens.
Following my morning writing session, I began my exercise. In early spring-like temperatures I ran 10 miles. The run brought my tally to 639 miles over the past 70 days. I feel strong but I’ve been coughing in the late afternoons. I expect to continue running.
In the early afternoon I began working on a new series I will publish for the prison news blog. This series will offer content on white-collar offenders. I will use the questions professor Jana Schrenkler and her students compiled to guide my interviews with men who serve time for white-collar crimes. This contribution can help professors who teach courses in ethics as I can provide content with will contribute to the educational experiences of future leaders.
In the afternoon, mail was delivered. I received two large envelopes from my wife. They were stuffed with information. I spent two hours going over the papers and realized I needed an outline to guide me through the work load in responding with only a pen and paper to rely upon, I knew that I had more than 40 hours of writing time in the work I received today. I realized the work would carry me through Monday. I hoped I would finish.
In the early evening I edited the manuscript I had been working on as a ghost writer. The manuscript will go to press in early March, and I am in the final stages of work before publication. My work kept me up until 7:00, which was an hour later than usual.
My 7,866th Day In Federal Prison
February 21, 2009
Saturday, 21 February 2009
The abundance of work I received from Carole in yesterday’s mail meant that I had writing projects to keep me busy through the weekend. I didn’t even know whether I could finish everything before the next batch of mail would leave the institution. To give it my best effort, I woke at 1:20 this morning. I began writing at 1:26.
By 8:00 in the morning I had written five blog articles, some of which were lengthy. I also rewrote the paperwork for a clemency petition I’ve had on file since 2003. My petition is one of thousands that went unanswered during the Bush administration. Theoretically, that means my petition is still alive.
The type of clemency for which I am applying is called a commutation of sentence. The commutation petition differs from a pardon in that I am asking President Obama to forgive the remainder of my sentence; I am not asking him to forgive the crime for which I stand convicted.
Some changes have taken place since I last updated my petition, in March of 2007. For one thing, I’ve served another two years. Now I am in my 22nd consecutive year of confinement, which means I have completed the service of various aspects of it; some issues, for example the fine imposed, no longer apply as a consequence of so much time having passed.
Receiving an act of executive clemency would be an extraordinary event. The constitution provides the President with the authority to grant clemency to federal offenders, but ever since Ronald Reagan, the privilege has rarely been exercised. Presidents did not want to tarnish their tough-on-crime brand with acts of compassion. My hopes are that President Obama will charge his pardon attorney with the responsibility of evaluation all clemency requests.
I am scheduled to serve just more than four additional years, though provisions within the law qualify me for release to a halfway house in three more years. A commutation could mean my release immediately. Either way, I will continue working with expectations that I will serve my sentence in its entirety. In an effort to obtain community support for my clemency petition, Carole has opened a category for my commutation petition and asked readers to write a letter in support.
Besides reviving my petition, this morning I also wrote a letter to Senator Jim Webb. Senator Webb will soon hold congressional hearings on the subject of prison reform. I offered my contributions to the panel, and I sent my letter with a copy of my book, Inside.
Following a productive morning, I was on the track at 8:00. I ran 10 miles, lifting my tally to 649 miles over the past 71 days. In the afternoon I worked on the manuscript I’ve been writing, competing the front and back material as it readies for publication.
My 7,864th Day In Federal Prison
February 19, 2009
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Knowing that I had a busy schedule this morning, I woke at 2:00. I read from my book for a while, but I was able to start writing before 2:30. Before the guards unlocked the doors to my housing unit at 6:00, I had completed five blog articles. Three of those articles were responses to students from California State University, Long Beach. Those in the criminal justice program under Dr. Sam Torres’ class were reading my work and posting questions to which I would respond. The interactive project was a part of their educational journey, and I appreciated the opportunity to contribute.
At 6:09 I was on the track. I ran 10 miles, lifting my tally to 629 miles over the past 69 days of continuous running. I was back in the housing unit, showered, shaved, and ready before 8:10. I had a meeting scheduled with Professor Jana Schrenkler, from Saint Mary’s University, in Minnesota, at 9:00.
This would be my first meeting with Jana. She is a professor of business at the university and she teaches courses in ethics. The widening economic crisis is making the subject of ethics timely, and Jana is gathering data for writing projects that would contribute to the literature. I welcomed the opportunity to contribute.
I came into contact with Jana through a letter she wrote to a fellow prisoner at Taft Camp. He had been the founder and CEO of a large electronics company and was serving time for fraud. Jana and her students were undertaking a project to write to incarcerated CEOs with questions about the ethical policies in their former corporate culture. My friend did not want to participate in the study, but he shared the inquiry with me and I responded with a letter of introduction.
This is the method I have been using for decades. By introducing myself to community leaders, I could transcend prison boundaries and open new opportunities that few other long-term prisoners enjoyed. I have brought numerous mentors into my life in this way, and I feel that I have grown because of the strategy.
Although I was not a former CEO or white-collar offender, Jana welcomed my letter and any contributions I could make to her study. I had written considerable amounts of content on white-collar offenders whom I had interviewed. My wife and partner, Carole, had converted all of my writings to digital files. I put Jana in touch with my wife, and Carole emailed her several stories I had written about offenders from corporate America.
Jana found some value in the work. I had proposed to put a panel of white collar offenders together that she could interview during a visit. Administrators at Taft Camp did not authorize the panel, but they did grant her permission to visit and interview me about the work I was doing to prepare for release.
My work is preparing me for a career as a speaker, author, and consultant upon release. With an expected 25-year journey through prison, I am convinced that I can add value by speaking with audiences who want to learn about the subject matter. One group to which I want to contribute will include corporate America, and working together with Jana and other business professionals will enhance my credibility.
During our meeting, I offered to help Jana by gathering data on several white collar offenders who would agree to participate in the project. She has an ethics questionnaire that I’ll use as an interview guide for the stories I intend to write. I’ll send the stories to my wife, and Carole will transcribe them for a new category of ethics on Prison News Blog.
I look forward to making these contributions to society. I am grateful to Jana, and to my wife, for giving me these opportunities to transcend prison boundaries in preparation for release.
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